You know you’re officially an ‘old fart’ when …

How did teens get so smart? Who knows

Have you ever done something so weird, so out of character that
it makes you realize something really, really bad is happening to
you? If you have, then you understand the trauma I am experiencing
at this very moment.
Have you ever done something so weird, so out of character that it makes you realize something really, really bad is happening to you? If you have, then you understand the trauma I am experiencing at this very moment.

You see, the other day, something awful happened. Something that made me question my entire outlook on life. Something that made me realize that … well, that my teenager may actually be right about something.

Yeah, it’s that bad.

In fact, it’s terrible. My teenager thinks I’m an old fart. Yes, I know ALL teenagers think their parents are old farts. But the sad part about my teen thinking I’m an old fart is that he’s probably right. In fact, I may even be the oldest of old farts, destined to live out a life where I am clearly the oldest person on the planet. And what happened to make me realize my teenager is correct when he says I’m old?

Well, I can barely say it. It’s pretty embarrassing. But here goes: I, Laurie Sontag, previously a woman who was young on the inside, and ignored mirrors that told me the opposite about my outside, turned on the TV the other day and got excited because there were two episodes of “Law & Order” on. In a row.

And my teen caught me watching it and may, just may, have seen me do the happy dance when I realized that the first episode had just started, so I didn’t miss any of the good parts. And that may, just may, be why he referred to me as an old fart. To my face.

In my defense, how often do you turn on a TV and realize that a good show is on and that you didn’t miss any of it? I even got the murder scenes. Imagine my joy. Honestly, I could not have been happier if I had found designer shoes in my size at 80 percent off. I’m happy just remembering it.

Oh, please. Don’t act like you wouldn’t have been excited too. They were back-to-back, for Pete’s sake. And with Jerry Orbach. Jerry. Orbach. The Man. Not the two new guys, who frankly I didn’t much care about. Sorry, I just never could get into them. Anyway, you know you would have been happy.

And sadly, you would have been an old fart like me.

Holy cannolli. Do you see how far I have fallen? I was once cool, for Pete’s sake. Well, OK. Maybe I wasn’t cool, but I certainly wasn’t running around in orthopedic slippers rhapsodizing about Jerry Orbach. Good Lord. I am an old fart. And I don’t think there’s any turning back from this.

Oh, sure. It could be worse. I could be tuning in for “Murder She Wrote” or “Matlock.” Those are what my Grandmother refers to as her “stories” and what the rest of the family refers to as “grandma’s addiction.” OK, once my sister called it “Grandma’s crack TV,” but even though it was funny, it was pretty disrespectful. But accurate. You know, like how accurate Junior was when he came in the room, saw me watching “Law & Order” and called me an old fart.

Oh, how the once cool and youthful have been brought down. Seriously, people. I have the viewing habits of an 88-year old woman – or pretty darn close. Let’s face facts here. Once you’ve done the happy dance for “Law & Order” you are only steps away from celebrating “Murder She Wrote” and, most horrifying of all, the Fox News Channel. I am on a downward spiral here. How the heck did this happen to me?

I can change this, I know I can. I can tune into HGTV. Wait, that’s not cool enough. I can watch MTV. No, I can’t. I mean, sure I can watch HGTV, what woman – no matter how old – could turn that off? But I can’t watch MTV. It’s no longer “Head Banger’s Ball.” It’s all scripted reality TV now. I watched for an entire hour the other day and frankly, I didn’t see one music video. When did MTV become Bravo? Will they start showing “Real Rock Stars of Atlanta” any time soon?

Oh, heck, I guess I’m an old fart. Which is fine with me. Because “Law & Order” just came on and I need to go watch this episode. It’s one with Jerry and Jesse L. Martin. Whoo-hoo. My feet are doing the happy dance.

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