Marty: All I want for my political Christmas …

Marty Richman

It’s that time again and it’s only polite to give Santa a little warning so he can pick up what I want without having to do any last-minute shopping. The truth is that I have more than one Christmas list; each is tailored to a specific Santa. Since this is, basically, a political column, this is my list for the political gifts I want. What, you didn’t know there was more than one Santa? No wonder you’ve been getting stiffed all these years. So here goes – all I want for my political Christmas …
Santa, make people to realize that everyone, including themselves, are just a collection of special interests; therefore, when they are ranting against special interests they should do so in front of a mirror.
If the “good government” people really want to get rid of lobbying, I want them to start by getting rid of government to government lobbying first, which the worst kind of insider dealing.
I want the political pot to stop calling the political kettle black and I want each political party to prove they care more for the nation than about being reelected by cleaning up their own houses before pointing at the other side. Anyone can say look, “Look at them.” It’s a lot harder to say, “Look at us.”
Santa should make them all stop lying and start taking responsibility – if the “other party” did not exist, they would have to invent it so they would have someone to blame for their failures.
Santa should require that the estimated cost of every major government project bear a “fairytale” label. Then he should tell me where all those “savings” really go – I’ve looked everywhere and I can’t find them. If we “save” any more money, we will be destitute.
Will Santa get someone to explain why political talk-show hosts are always preaching to people who already agree with them and why a 5 percent win is considered a landslide.
Can Santa tell the voters that the “average American” does not really exist; therefore, no one can actually be “on the side of the average American?”
Santa, please get rid of paper ballots – this is ridiculous.
Can you explain to me if everyone says these issues are all about principles, why do those principles always seem to come down to money?
Let’s redefine negative campaigning – it’s not negative campaigning if you are telling the truth, but it is always negative campaigning if it includes an unflattering photograph of your opponent.
Make it illegal to publish a Police Officer’s, Firefighter’s, Teacher’s or any other “Voting Guide” unless you have the written permission of every police officer, firefighter, teacher, etc., in the entire state.
Santa, make it so that the first side to use a Robocall loses.
Have two debates for each contested office, one will be limited to what you are against and the second will be limited to what you are for – and both require the use of lie detectors.
Santa, make it illegal to practice for a debate and double illegal to use focus groups. We all know where that leads – it leads to bad makeup and everyone wearing the same color clothes.
After an election, the office should be filled, not with the candidate, but with the campaign consultant, because that’s who actually won.
That’s enough for now, I don’t want to appear greedy and getting too many reforms might just put columnists like me out business.

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