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June 28, 2022

Between Us

The ultimate workout
– a trip to the mall
I have never been one for exercise, but there is always one
place that can make me quicken my steps, and my heart beat just a
little faster. The Mall is my favorite gym, and the rewards are
greater than any toned muscles or cardio health.
The ultimate workout – a trip to the mall

I have never been one for exercise, but there is always one place that can make me quicken my steps, and my heart beat just a little faster. The Mall is my favorite gym, and the rewards are greater than any toned muscles or cardio health.

With the wide open expanses, you’ll see that there are women who take this Mall exercise thing pretty seriously. They’re the ones walking around the perimeter of The Mall in a perfectly color coordinated jogging outfit and fresh, white tennies. They’re doing something called, Power Walking.

It’s interesting to me, because all you do is walk, and you really don’t go anywhere but it’s really fast. The will power that these women have is amazing. To walk, and not get sidetracked by anything shiny, is something I would like to aspire to. And I’m sure The Husband would appreciate.

The Mall comes complete with its own stair stepper and for the “stair challenged”, there is what I like to call the “Automatic Stair Stepper,” which can transport you to your next workout station.

There’s also a juice bar. You’ll see the same long line only now it’s snaking around the Starbucks and the “Be a Model in 8 Days” kiosks. They are all waiting for the same thing; the magic elixir which enables more shopping at Victoria’s Secret (Femme Boost) or shopping faster at Victoria’s Secret (Energy Boost).

If you are unfortunate enough to have been dragged to the gym…er…I mean, mall by your wife or girlfriend, fear not. There’s always the Gadget Guru, where you have the choice of any combination battery operated nose hair trimmer, onion slicer and money clip they offer.

Gym food, if it’s offered, is a tasteless array of tofu shakes and coasters, which I was later told, were rice cakes and you were supposed to…eat them. Yet, The Mall has a variety of culturally diverse offerings. Fried dough, fried falafel, garlic French fries, fried chicken. The list is endless.

If I could, I would live there. The beds are already made and it looks like Martha Stewart came by and decorated in her spare time after the incident which required some unfortunate ankle jewelry. All of the furniture matches and none of the plants are dead. Or fake.

Christmas time at The Mall is like Disneyland for the Middle Aged Woman. It’s a smorgasbord of All You Can Buy and it’s so festive with the plush red bows, wreaths everywhere, and I think I read somewhere they pump in the scent of chestnuts roasting on an open fire from the heating system.

The “Be a Model In 8 Days” kiosk is now a “Build a Christmas Elf” outlet and the Starbucks has Eggnog Latte. Don’t get me wrong, I do know that it’s manufactured Christmas at its finest and all designed to keep you happy, content and most of all, spending, but I am always happy to try to simulate the economy.

I also realize that my Mall membership is a lot more expensive than an actual Gym membership, so I go to The Mall only slightly more than I would go to The Gym if I had a membership there.

I know that I have my limits. I know that if I took up Power Walking, it has the potential danger of morphing from Power Browsing to Power Shopping and I won’t even need a Femme Boost or an Energy Boost. But I will take some of that Eggnog Latte after I’ve built my own elf.

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