Well bust my buttons. What we have here ladies and gents of the
jury is a good old-fashioned donnybrook. A hot-aired humbug if I
say so myself.
John Wayne and Lee Marvin in $500 dollar civil suits. Hulk Hogan
in tort tights.
Why, this is more fun than a barrel of lawyers. Disorder in the
court.
Well bust my buttons. What we have here ladies and gents of the jury is a good old-fashioned donnybrook. A hot-aired humbug if I say so myself.
John Wayne and Lee Marvin in $500 dollar civil suits. Hulk Hogan in tort tights.
Why, this is more fun than a barrel of lawyers. Disorder in the court.
I thought the main event of John Sarsfield versus Arthur Cantu was a sure-fire sellout. But now it’s turned into a pro wrestling knockdown, drag-out, chair-busting over the nearest pointy head type of affair.
What in the name of Big Ken Crowe is going on here in our once-sleepy burg of Hollister?
Just got word that my wiseguy pals back in Las Vegas have lengthened the odds of Sarsfield outdueling Cantu in fisticuffs. Louie the Lip says Cantu in an early KO over Johnny Boy is the boxing lock of the year.
Word got out on the Strip that Art is not only polished at the sweet science of boxing, but he can also give you a kung-fu chop that will send you flying nonstop to Aromas, where ever the heck that town is stashed.
I would still put a double sawbuck down on Sars, though, especially at 100 to 1 or so. He could ask the Artster to lean over to check some court document fine print and then, whammo, serve him with a terrific sucker punch.
Then Art would have to chase Sars all the way to Starbucks, where our duly-elected DA would be busy loading up on triple cappuccinos to get ready for Round Two.
Well, let’s take a break from the main event and look at the others who have crashed the party.
In Sarsfield’s corner we have the tag team of Denny “No” Wei and Steven “Daddy Wags” Wagner. Seems as if they’ve been putting up more of a prosecution pillow fight on some recent cases, but maybe they’ll get better with practice of their practice.
The Sarsman also has Candice “Hitman” Hooper, whom he put on his staff undercard for apparent political reasons. Maybe we can match her to wrassle or duke it out against the City of Hollister’s own Elaine “King Kong” Cass.
Cantu has Greg “Loophole” LaForge and Harry “The Dam” Damkar ready to hand off from his side of the ring. Dennis “Sargent” Stafford is also set to get on Sarsfield’s case in a hurry.
Let’s not forget Curtis “King Of The” Hill. Underground reports say Curtis isn’t as feisty as back when he was on the, uh, shall we say fight Club circuit. And his busted hand has long since mended and is no longer a factor.
Maybe we can fix up a match between our county man Hill against the new Hollister PD top dawg Jeff “Genuine Draft” Miller.
Curtis certainly has the height and reach on Jeff, but just like Sarsfield and Cantu, don’t always let size be the deciding factor. Don’t forget how Jeff dazzled the flatfoot union with some fancy footwork when he was in, out and back in the Hollister ring.
We certainly have some Las Vegas style judges around here ready to score any of the bouts. Plenty of questionable decisions on their cards already.
Now all we need is a good referee.
Hmmm…
Let’s go to Dale “Shadow Boxer” Shaddox, the hardest working man in show business, as the man in the middle.
Shads could toot the cannery steam whistle a few times to wake up everyone in the county and alert them to the pending slugfests and slamdowns.
In lieu of its hefty sewer tab, maybe the cannery would offer to host the fights for free, giving San Benito Foods a chance to offer something of real value to the community.
What a perfect setting for our local lineup of tomato cans.
