I wish I could hibernate like bears. Why do bears get to
hibernate? What makes them so special that they get the luxury of
sleeping through winter.
I want to sleep through winter and I’ll tell you why. Man,
that’s six months of doing nothing. Plus, before they sleep for all
that time, the bears eat as much as possible for several months and
gain as much as 40 pounds a week. I wanna eat like that.
They fatten up and nobody cares. And chubbier bears are more
attractive to bears of the opposite sex, I think.
I wish I could hibernate like bears. Why do bears get to hibernate? What makes them so special that they get the luxury of sleeping through winter.
I want to sleep through winter and I’ll tell you why. Man, that’s six months of doing nothing. Plus, before they sleep for all that time, the bears eat as much as possible for several months and gain as much as 40 pounds a week. I wanna eat like that.
They fatten up and nobody cares. And chubbier bears are more attractive to bears of the opposite sex, I think.
OK, they chow down for several months, get fat, go to sleep, wake up and start all over for the next year’s hibernation? I’d like to do that.
Instead of looking forward to weekends and holidays to relax, I could look forward to the entire months of October, November, December, January, February, March and April to unwind. I’d even be willing to sleep in a hallowed-out tree or cave, to be authentic.
Of course, there’s always a downside to human hibernation. I’d miss my birthday – along with Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, the Super Bowl, Valentine’s Day, my niece’s birthday and most of the TV season for that show, “Ed.” I’d also miss about 25 Sundays of church and a good share of controversial stories to cover.
To counter that, I could have my parents videotape Ed and the Super Bowl, in which I’d dearly hope the Green Bay Packers were playing. And I could ask a reliable friend to call me on those other important days, sort of as a personal hibernation alarm clock. And when I wake up for good, I could rent a bunch of religious movies and ask for forgiveness.
Of course, I would need a Halloween costume planned before my hibernation. I’d need to have Christmas gifts ready to go. And my tolerance for drinking on New Year’s would be on the same level of pre-teen Macaulay Caulkin.
So, I would not only get to hang out for half-a-year, after stuffing my face for several months, but I would also get to take several vacations on those holidays from my hibernation.
Vacation from hibernation: Ahhh, now that sounds nice.
And on top of all that, I wouldn’t need to do laundry.
All right, so the three people still reading this column must be wondering – what’s this crackpot’s deal?
There are several potential reasons why I’d be considering this subject: stress, infatuation with bears, someone slipped something into my drink at lunch, I had too much to drink at lunch, I’m bored or I’m stupid.
Let me guess, you think it’s a combination of all those options. Well, it’s none of those, though my mom did call me a “blithering, drunken, sick idiot” when I recited these thoughts to her.
The truth is, I don’t want to hibernate. The reason I wrote this was to mention Macaulay Caulkin in this week’s column.
Today is his birthday. He’s 23 and he deserves some recognition. He was in some pretty good movies. No, great movies. And nobody seems to care these days.
So please, join me in saying the words so few say anymore: Happy birthday Macaulay. You deserve it.
