The latest revelations concerning the extent of the U.S.
government’s hidden multi-trillion dollar bailouts and loans to
everyone who was too big to fail or had political influence,
including GE, numerous American and foreign banks and our financial
the backing of the EU’s bailout of Ireland and Greece got me
thinking
– why not me?
The latest revelations concerning the extent of the U.S. government’s hidden multi-trillion dollar bailouts and loans to everyone who was too big to fail or had political influence, including GE, numerous American and foreign banks and our financial the backing of the EU’s bailout of Ireland and Greece got me thinking – why not me? So I went to see a politically connected financial advisor, I call him my “FA.” I told him I want to “get my fair share,” as they always say.
FA: “Your first problem is that you’re simply was not too big to fail, you’re only small potatoes.”
MR: “Not too big to fail? That’s hard to believe I’m usually packing an extra 90 pounds.”
FA: “What I meant was, you’re not too big to fail financially; your credit rating is too good, you don’t owe that much and you have a bit of money in the bank. Besides, if you went under you’d only be putting yourself, your wife and your pets in the poorhouse not any really important people or groups like bank presidents, automobile companies, union pension funds, Irish whiskey distillers or Greek civil service employees.”
Thinking – Ok, I could see that.
MR: “Isn’t there any other way I can get on the bailout list; I don’t want to miss out.”
FA: “Well, if you owned a poorly managed bank or large company in a swing state or if you controlled a politically active group like a union, it would be a cinch.”
MR: “Can you arrange for me to buy a failed company in a swing state run by an incompetent bank president that had problems with a militant union as soon as possible?”
Thinking – I know an investment opportunity when I see one.
FA: “Frankly, you can’t afford it. Organizations of that type are in very high demand; the cost to buy a failed company that could qualify for a bailout exceeds the cost of buying a well-managed going concern right now. The continuing opportunity to get bailout funds has occurred to other people, not just you. The bidding has gone sky high; it’s a supply and demand world.”
MR: “Are there other possibilities?”
FA: “There is always the foreign market; we’re bailing out everyone all over the planet. You could invest in a failed or failing foreign nation, preferably one where everyone cheats in their taxes, gets free everything from the government including 6 weeks paid vacation a year and retires at age 46.”
MR: “Do such places exist?”
FA: “Sure, they are all over Europe.”
MR: “How can they do it?”
FA: “They can’t; that’s why we had to bail them out. It’s the beauty of this strategy; they have no chance of getting straight.”
MR: “But wouldn’t we just be buying someone else’s bad debt?”
FA: “Debt – schmet – who cares, the Chinese are going to end up with all the money anyway. What I’m recommending is a strategy that will get you past your next critical point.”
MR: “What’s my next critical point?”
FA: “It varies for each individual, at your age it’s death – your death is the next critical point for you. For politicians it’s the next election, they just want to get past the next election with a winning strategy.”
MR: “I don’t know, it sounds awful risky in the long run.”
FA: “What are you some kind of anti-government radical? If it’s good enough for the folks in Washington, it should be good enough for you.”
Marty Richman is a Hollister resident.
