I was walking along the beach with Jennifer Lopez, the moon was
bright and the stars … Brrrnnnggg!
It was the phone ringing. I looked at the alarm clock. It was 3
a.m. That meant it could only be…
I was walking along the beach with Jennifer Lopez, the moon was bright and the stars … Brrrnnnggg!
It was the phone ringing. I looked at the alarm clock. It was 3 a.m. That meant it could only be…
“Hello kid. It’s your Uncle Al in Chicago. How are things in Hollywood? See any movie stars? How about Arnold Schwarzkopf, the muscle guy whose running for mayor?”
Hi Al. I’m in Hollister, California, not Hollywood. And it’s Arnold Schwarzenegger, the actor who is running for governor. Al, it’s 3 in the morning.
“Sorry kid. I thought it was like when you lived in Hawaii, where it was Tuesday morning when it was Friday night, or something like that. It’s 5 in the morning back here and I’m having my first beer with breakfast and thought I’d ring you up.”
So what’s new in Chicago, Al?
“Not much, kid. It’s already starting to get cold. I had to wear my ear muffs to the tavern the other day. That half a block walk to the bar is getting tougher every year, but I really need the exercise. I bought your aunt a new snow blower. She hit me over the head with the shovel last winter and we couldn’t pound the dent out.”
I’m sure she’ll appreciate the blower, Al.
“Yeah. I told her to be more careful with it than she was with the lawn mower. She ran over the neighbor’s poodle with it this summer and it hasn’t worked right since.”
Al, that’s awful.
“You bet. It not only cost me 50 bucks to fix the mower, but your aunt hurt her hand in the fistfight with the neighbor over the dog. She finally knocked the guy out, but it took her longer than usual. I had a great view through the front room window from the couch. She turns 78 next month, but she still throws a good uppercut.”
Al, what about the poor dog?
“Ah, we found an old beagle wandering around and gave it to the guy so everything’s OK now. Hey kid, I’ve been reading your new paper on the Ultranet. What the heck kind of name is the Free France. I ain’t too happy with the French these days.”
Al, it’s the Free Lance. And I’m surprised you figured out how to read the newspaper on the Internet.
“Well, kid, your aunt first told me that if I stuck my head in the microwave and let her turn it on high for 20 minutes then the paper would appear inside. I almost fell for it until I saw the potatoes starting to sizzle in there. Your aunt sure has a sense of humor.”
Well, how did you finally read it online?
“Your Uncle Mickey said he, uh, borrowed a computer from a, uh, computer store. Actually he said they gave it to him because he saved one of their customers from getting mugged or something like that a few years ago. So he hooked it up and there you were, bald head and all.”
Did you read any of the stories, Al?
“Oh yeah, kid. I liked the ones about the DA and the trials. Why don’t they just use the Chicago system out there? If you pay the judge, you’re not guilty. If you don’t pay the judge, you’re guilty. It saves a lot of time and paperwork.”
What other ones did you like, Al?
“The Civilians Choice, the letters sent in by the people who don’t know how to write their names, is funny. I like when they get after your sheriff. Your Uncle Anvil was a Chicago cop until he got caught stealing a juke box from Fat Freddy’s joint on New Year’s Eve. Anvil told the judge that he was just dancing with it and didn’t know that he was outside by his pickup truck because the thing was still playing Frank Sinatra real loud. He had to slip the judge an extra C-note to beat it in court, but they still yanked his badge.”
Anything else catch your eye, Al?
“Oh yeah, kid, I liked the story about releasing some convicts at some halfway house in the Pinochle mountains. I like that they named the mountains after one of my favorite card games.”
Al, those were endangered birds and they’re called condors. And it’s the Pinnacles, which are scenic rock formations, where the birds are being released.
“So they’re jailbirds, eh kid? Haw-haw. Maybe your sheriff better stay up there to keep an eye on them.”
Well, now that I’m awake I better get ready for work, Al.
“Yeah, I gotta go too kid, as soon as I finish my Budweiser and corn flakes. Your aunt is already hollering at me this morning. She said there’s something busted inside the microwave and wants me to take a look at it.”
