If you ask me, the hardest part about winter isn’t the cold part
or the rain part or the fact that you’re often trapped in a house
with groups of kids, some of whom, you’re pretty sure, are your
own. I can live with my house sometimes resembling a scene from
”
Lord of the Flies.
”
No, what really gets me is all of the accessories.
If you ask me, the hardest part about winter isn’t the cold part or the rain part or the fact that you’re often trapped in a house with groups of kids, some of whom, you’re pretty sure, are your own. I can live with my house sometimes resembling a scene from “Lord of the Flies.” No, what really gets me is all of the accessories.
I mean, from November through March not only do you have to keep track of wayward socks, but you also now have to keep track of mittens, scarves, hats, gloves and various other winterish items that are all lurking around the house just waiting for their big chance to disappear and make you crazy.
OK, so maybe everyone doesn’t have this sort of problem with winter stuff. There are people out there who not only keep their winter accessories together from Thanksgiving straight through until Easter, but there also are those of you who know where to find them after a long, lazy spring, summer and fall. And if I wore a hat, it would be off to you. This is the time of year my efficiency turns to near zero. At night, when I’m lying in bed ticking off my accomplishments of the week all I can come up with is that I spent 50 bazillion hours (a real figure) rummaging around underneath the furniture for lost mittens, ski gloves, slippers, rain boots, snow hats and my new, fabulous knit scarf that exactly matches my winter coat.
It’s not like I don’t try to keep track of things. I’m a veteran on the War Against Lost Winter Stuff, but I have to admit after more than 10 years of combat, I’ve yet to end up with a complete set of anything for more than 20 minutes.
Perhaps it’s just my lack of organizational skills, but I don’t think so. At least, I’m always willing to try new ideas in the name of better organization. In fact, this year I read an article in one of those glossy women’s homemaker magazines that suggested several ways to arrange winter stuff. One of which is to stash items in the same spots. For instance, always tuck your gloves inside your hat then put it into your coat’s right sleeve. Or tuck your scarf inside your left mitten. Or roll your hat, socks, and mittens together, then cram the whole thing into your right sleeve along with your snow boots, ski goggles and a glass of eggnog for later. And so on. I don’t even have to tell you what sorts of bizarre sub-problems this creates.
Then, of course, there’s the more obvious “Creating a Special Space” method which seems like a good idea, but that would mean having to do something like cleaning out one of our closets, and finding space for a lot of odds and ends that found their way to the closet. And, well, you can see my dilemma.
On top of that, I’ve also tried installing hooks and bins and shelves. Even once, after a really long search for a particularly obstinate blue mitten, I held it up and said in my Take Charge tone of voice, “If you disappear again I’m going to unravel your pinky finger and turn you back into a ball of yarn. And then you’ll be sorry, Buddy!”
I don’t know about you, but I marvel at a life that can bring a rational human being to say something like this. I mean if, 10 years ago someone had told me I’d be going around the house threatening mittens with physical harm I’d think they were drinking from the cheap cooking sherry. You know, maybe that’s not such a bad idea.
But I digress.
If you ask me (and, hey, no one ever really does), I suggest the “Farmer Throw Everything Away and Start Over Again” method. This is when, you guessed it, you throw all of your winter stuff away, and then you buy three bazillion sets of everything all in black. Okay, so maybe it’s a bit pricey and not really the most practical idea. WhatEVER.
If there’s one valuable lesson in all this that I can pass on to you, it’s that you can’t fight winter accessories. Sneaky to a fault, they know how to move around in your house. The best you can do is valiantly attempt to control them from roaming until spring.
That said, has anyone seen a stray black mitten?
Debbie Farmer is a humorist and a mother holding down the fort in California, and the author of “Don’t Put Lipstick on the Cat.” You can reach her at
fa********@oa***************.com
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