Has it happened again? Did you, a well-meaning, thoughtful guy,
invest vast amounts of time, say five to eight minutes, doing
grueling research into finding the perfect, meaningful gift for
your sweetheart on Valentine’s Day – only to fail miserably and be
banished to the doghouse?
Has it happened again? Did you, a well-meaning, thoughtful guy, invest vast amounts of time, say five to eight minutes, doing grueling research into finding the perfect, meaningful gift for your sweetheart on Valentine’s Day – only to fail miserably and be banished to the doghouse? Hmm … I thought so. And how do I know this, you ask? Well, read on as I share with you a few heart-wrenching letters I’ve received from other suitors convinced they had gift-giving all figured out last Valentine’s Day.
Dear VD Expert:
On Valentine’s Day I got my girlfriend expensive jewelry. I thought this was every girl’s idea of a great gift. Turns out the rattlesnake head necklace I gave her made her very upset. She is a nature lover so I thought this was perfect. Please help. Signed, Fallen-into-the-Rattlesnake-Pit.
Dear Snake-Pit:
Let’s get one thing straight. I prefer you not refer to me as the “VD” Expert. Let’s not resort to laziness by labeling EVERYTHING with its initials because sometimes that’s just wrong on so many levels. OK? Now, let’s see if we can right some Valentine’s Day wrongs, shall we? Your idea of giving jewelry was right on but a scary, fang-filled rattlesnake head? Not so much. Because your girl is a nature lover, what could be more natural than jewelry made from YOUR OWN BONES?! That’s right. One scientifically sentimental jewelry manufacturer will, if provided with a small sample of your bone, or even a tooth apparently, use your tissue to grow another bone, which they will then carve and shape into a lovely ring for your sweetie. What could be more natural than giving her literally a part of yourself?
Dear Cupid’s Cousin:
I am dating an older lady who is built more for comfort than for speed, if you know what I mean. I thought maybe she just needed a reminder that she’s been packing on the pounds, so I got her a bathroom scale for Valentine’s Day. Instead of thanks, she heaved it at me. Now what? Signed, Knocked-My-Block Off.
Dear Knocked-Off:
Well. Could you have been more boorish? No girl wants to be reminded on Valentine’s Day she’s gotten a little broad across the beam. Remove the focus from her weight with a sensitive gift to help keep her looking young. The considerately named “Wrinkle Reducing Pillow” is right down your alley and has the added benefit of hurting your noggin a whole lot less than those bathroom scales.
Dear Valentine’s Day Gift-Giving Guru:
The week before Valentine’s Day, my supermarket ran this ad: “Make Valentine’s Day special with one stop at King Soopers.” Therefore, I swung by on my way home from work and got my wife some roses festively wrapped in plastic. She was underwhelmed and told me that any fool can pick up a bunch of roses at the supermarket. I’ve given my wife roses every Valentine’s Day since 1961, and I can’t figure out where I went wrong. Signed, She-Broke-my-Pair-of-Rose-Colored-Glasses.
Dear Broken Glasses:
First of all, what, pray tell, is a “Soopers?” You went to “King SOOPERS” for a Valentine’s Day gift? OK, the handwriting is on the wall. You’ve bought your wife the same gift for the past 50 years. Sure, you did your best, but you’ve got to think outside the box, Bunkie! Here are two words guaranteed to bring you back from the brink of Valentine disaster: elephant poop. That’s right. You can still give the love of your life roses but let’s bring a little originality to it, shall we? Next year, purchase eco-friendly, “stink-free” paper roses made entirely from elephant poop! And here you thought there were no more good ideas left. Who knew? Break that “Soopers” habit for good and take time to smell the non-reeking roses.
Dear Advice Angel,
My wife and I like to read the newspaper in the “throne room.” This makes it tricky when trying to pass sections of the paper back and forth, so this year I splurged for Valentine’s Day and bought her the “Two Person Toilet.” I’ll tell you what, this was no cheap gift, but she was, in a word, livid. Any suggestions? Signed, Johnny-on-the-Pot.
Dear Pot-Head,
Oh, good grief. What am I to do with you? And what, for heaven’s sake, will it be next Valentine’s Day? Couples colonoscopies? If you have to get her a two-seater anything next year, make sure it’s made by Mercedes.
So there you have it, Valentine’s Day veterans of gift rejections. Next year be ready with one of my sure-fire, not misfire, Valentine’s Day gifts guaranteed to keep you out of a long, lonely visit to Valentine’s Day rehab.
