For those of us unable to travel across the pond for the
nuptials of Prince William and Catherine (“Kate”) Middleton, we’ll
have to wait for satellites to beam down to our flatscreens the
first glimpse of young William and Kate’s foray into the royal
court as man and wife.
For those of us unable to travel across the pond for the nuptials of Prince William and Catherine (“Kate”) Middleton, we’ll have to wait for satellites to beam down to our flatscreens the first glimpse of young William and Kate’s foray into the royal court as man and wife. And with the guest list’s complete banishment of Sarah, Duchess of York – “Fergie” to her friends (if the poor woman still has any) – we’ll have to look to other troublemakers within the royal circle to produce a bit of wedding day disgrace.
Kate and William, this modern, forward-thinking pair, have handled the incessant media blitz quite capably. No “Shy-Di” here, friends! Ms. Middleton smiles brilliantly for the cameras and is quite capable of handling herself in stressing situations. Still, it appears there could be rough waters ahead given the scandalous behavior by some royal family members spanning the past several decades.
Therefore, giving great deliberation to sticky wickets the couple might encounter going forward in their life-in-a-goldfish-bowl marriage, I’ve appointed myself Royal Advice Diva (“RAD”) as a little gift to the newlyweds. After all, I have been a married person over half of my life, and though I can’t lay claim to a royal heritage, what the heck – marriage is marriage, right? So in honor of this royal wedding weekend, let’s begin with a few queries regarding some thornier issues already rearing their clumsy heads. Such as:
(From Kate): “What is up with a groom who declines to wear a wedding ring?” Now is probably the wrong time to be having this conversation, dear. If William doesn’t wish to wear a wedding ring, we must wonder why. Is he hoping to convey a continued availability via his ringless fourth finger? I mean, it’s certainly not like he can’t afford a ring for himself. Look at the money he saved on engagement jewels by passing along his mother’s ring (and yes, discussing money matters with royalty is the height of tawdriness). Let’s hope the bridal wedding band contains a whopping diamond to make up for your ringless groom.
(From William): “Was it tacky to invite four ex-girlfriends to the wedding when Kate invited only two ex-boyfriends?” Look, Wills, (may I call you “Wills?”), I think you blundered into a potential landmine by including your former flames in the invitee column. You realize, of course, that Camilla, your step-mum, was an invitee to your parent’s wedding and look how that turned out. Personally, you should thank your lucky stars Kate didn’t go dredging up half a dozen exes to drag to the wedding – even if it meant inviting the dorky kid with thick glasses who had a crush on her in kindergarten. Still, it would be prudent to assign large, burly men to keep an eye out for any excess consumption of cocktails at the reception. You don’t want a jealous brawl to be the highlight of your celebration, now do you?
(From Kate): “Have we gone overboard designating 26 charities in a benevolent fund for wedding guests and well-wishers to donate to rather than giving us presents? We’ve received at LEAST a dozen toasters!” You know, there is always that awkward notion that friends and family should give us nothing less than exactly what our hearts’ desire for our wedding. Do you realize the pressure that puts on your beleaguered guests? Sure, there are registries and all, but in taking the black rhino by the horn and setting up your own special charitable destinations, you have certainly shown your generous natures – not to mention the real bottom line: “Cooking? What cooking? We don’t need no stinking blenders! We have ‘Help!'” By the way, the Zoological Society of London’s black rhino in Kenya says, “Hey, thanks for the contributions! The pygmy hippo wants to know when he’s getting his.”
(From William): “Has Kate shown her ‘commoner’ roots by ordering a multi-tiered fruitcake as the centerpiece for the wedding?” Hey, Prince W., let’s cool it with the fruitcake cracks. For Pete’s sake, you’ve ordered a chocolate biscuit cake as an alternative treat. Chocolate biscuit cake is supposed to be sophisticated? I mean, while fruitcake has admittedly suffered a bad rap over the years, it isn’t like Kate has gone all “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” on you, dressing her bridesmaids in tacky dresses and wearing a jeweled tiara … oh, she’ll be wearing a jeweled … ? Upon … excuse me, CAMILLA’S advice? Well. OK, so it’s not as if the royal wedding fruitcake baker makes cakes for supermarkets, right? Oh. She does? Hmmm … nevermind.
So, William and Kate, I hope this bit of “RAD” advice comes in handy in times of need because heaven knows you have some awkward baggage to deal with in that royal family of yours. And, yes, it appears that the royal baggage has arrived.
