This is not another dull advice column about succeeding with New
Year’s resolutions. Such literature already permeates the media
like the stink while driving past a landfill heap.
This is not another dull advice column about succeeding with New Year’s resolutions. Such literature already permeates the media like the stink while driving past a landfill heap.
Instead, I’ll offer something much more enlightening: Kollin’s 2003 New Year’s Horoscopes.
Now there’s no longer a need to stress over your fate in the coming year. And there’s no reason to worry over whether you’ll succeed or fail at a resolution.
Note: I am not a psychic. And my sign is Sagittarius, so don’t feel so bad.
Aries (March 21-April 19) – You will desperately try to quit smoking in the new year. For months, you will succeed – or so you thought. In reality you’re an unknowing sleepwalker. And every night you’ll wake up and smoke half a pack in your sleep. How do you get the cigarettes without knowing? That’s a mystery I can’t answer.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – You will also desperately try to quit smoking. You, however, will succeed. Unfortunately, for your 2004 resolution you’ll resolve to stop banging your head against the wall every night because of nicotine withdrawal.
Gemini (May 21-June 20) – After eating healthy every day until late October, you will be helplessly overtaken by your child’s bag of Halloween candy. The entire bag! Then the holidays? Good luck, buddy.
Cancer (June 21-July 22) – You resolve to get more sleep in the coming year by drinking half a bottle of Nyquil every night. It works, too. Good job.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – With the economy slumping, you try to save money this year. You will no longer eat out every night. You make the kids pay the bills. And most importantly, you get a part-time job as a clown/puppeteer. (Next year’s resolution: Get pride back.)
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – You get discovered by a Hollywood agent for a starring role in an upcoming blockbuster movie. Seemingly, nothing could go wrong in 2003. That’s until filming starts and you realize you were typecast as a demented first-century leper who stalks villagers and steals their bread and fish.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – In an attempt to get a promotion, you decide to smile more at work. In fact, you smile nonstop. This backfires when the boss forces you to take a drug test because you seem way too happy. Then you get demoted. Not only because you fail the drug test, but also because nobody likes a smiley person.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – You decide to try the Subway “Jared Diet” to lose weight. It works, too, until a realization hits you. Jared is not cool. You stop eating healthy subs every day because you’d rather be a bit overweight than a dweeb like Jared. Good choice.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – You resolve to stop constantly telling bad jokes. Your resolution miserably fails. And your family becomes ashamed at your antics and starts telling people you moved away to join a Canadian circus. Thanks, Mom.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan.19) – You try to be more patient this year… drug test… demotion. Yup.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – You decide to read more books in 2003. It works for awhile. Then you realize you’d much rather be watching TV shows such as “Extra” and cheesy TV movies starring Meredith Baxter (the mom from the TV show “Family Ties”).
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – You pursue a relationship with someone your parents are against. But you’re insistent. Then, in a sudden turn of events, the woman/man pulls off a mask. It’s really your brother playing a sinister prank. You should have listened to Mom and Dad. After all, they were in on the joke.
