As of last month we have a brand new addition to the family.
He’s 22-inches long, approximately 10 pounds, and very active,
especially at night.
As of last month we have a brand new addition to the family. He’s 22-inches long, approximately 10 pounds, and very active, especially at night.
But before you break out the cigars and the congratulation cards, let me also add that he’s black and white, possibly rabid and lives outside.
On top of that, we’re not really sure if it’s a boy or girl since no one is brave enough to go near it because of the smell. Yes, you guessed it: we have a skunk in our backyard. But not just any skunk, mind you.
An extra big one with talon-like claws and a huge bushy tail: a super skunk. Okay, so maybe ‘”have” is a bit too strong of a word, since it implies we had some kind of choice in the matter. Which, of course, we didn’t.
Now let me just stop right here and say that I love animals, but like most people, I prefer to enjoy my skunks from a distance. Like in a nice zoo or on Animal Planet.
However, I can tell by this one’s determined stare and jaunty swagger that he doesn’t care what in the heck I prefer. But that’s okay. He wins because, well, he’s a skunk. A SKUNK!
Now I probably don’t need to tell you that what I call the Number One Most Important Rule of Skunks is to never, ever scare it because very unpleasant things will happen.
The other Number One Most Important Rule of Skunks is that once you have one breaking into your backyard for the animal equivalent of midnight happy hour, it must be removed at all costs.
So I did what any reluctant skunk owner would do: called the country animal control department. I explained my situation to a helpful man I’ll call “Joe,” who seemed very nice and normal except for the fact he drives around all day collecting skunks.
Needless to say, he brought a skunk trap over the next morning. Now I don’t know about you, but when I hear the word “trap,” I think of a heavily reinforced steel cage with iron bars and a sturdy padlock.
However, in this case, the word “trap” means a flimsy plastic cylinder the width of a coffee can, with nothing but a thin metal pin to keep the captured skunk firmly in place.
Before leaving Joe assured me that skunks can fit into areas the size of a tennis ball. He also said that I must never, ever open the trap. But the most important thing he said was, if I caught a skunk I must, MUST call him before 7am to pick it up.
Then he gave me a pamphlet called “How to Control Skunks,” which I had always thought was to scream “aaaaaahhhhhhh!” and run away. But apparently it’s more involved than that.
In fact, it had all sorts of Skunk Controlling Rules like, for instance, sealing up entry ways and removing pet food and storing firewood above ground and, in fact, not yelling “aaaaahhhhhh!” and running away.
However the big problem was that nowhere, NOWHERE , among all of the rules did it say what I was supposed to do if I caught a skunk, accidentally slept in, and didn’t call Joe in time. Letting it out doesn’t seem right, but neither does leaving it inside a tiny, plastic cylinder sitting in the sun all day either.
So I came up with three possible options: 1) Set my alarm clock for 6:45am every morning during summer vacation then go outside to check the trap. 2)Risk over-sleeping and, if the worst happens, carry the skunk around with me all day. Or 3) Don’t do anything and hope it eventually wanders away to “ahem” someone else’s house.
In case the authorities, the SPCA or my neighbors are reading this, I’m not going to tell you which I chose. However, I do have two words for options one and two: fat chance.
And about option three? All I’ll say is that if a giant skunk with a bad attitude happens to show up in your yard, I’ve never seen it before.
But I have an empty trap you can use.
Debbie Farmer is a humorist and a mother holding down the fort in California, and the author of Don’t Put Lipstick on the Cat. You can reach her at [email protected].
