I’ve come to believe that as far as bowling goes there are two
different kinds of people in the world: those who make strikes and
break 100 almost every game, and those who can barely hoist the
ball down the lane without breaking their wrist in half or falling
on their backside.
I’ve come to believe that as far as bowling goes there are two different kinds of people in the world: those who make strikes and break 100 almost every game, and those who can barely hoist the ball down the lane without breaking their wrist in half or falling on their backside.
I’d like to say I’m in the first category.
I’d also like to say I look like Michelle Pfeiffer and wear a size 4. But we all know this is the real world here. So let me just say my competitive bowling goal is to do my “personal best,” which simply means I need to bowl less lousy than I did before. Luckily, this isn’t too hard for me to do.
Oh sure, the concept of bowling may seem simple enough to the gullible and naive. All you have to do is to aim a really, really heavy ball down a really, really narrow lane and knock down twelve wily “pins,” and all this while wearing exceptionally ugly shoes, ones that make bridesmaid shoes look chic.
Okay, let’s just stop right here a moment and talk about bowling shoes. I mean, what in the heck happened with them? No matter where you go, they always look like a cross between clown shoes and corrective orthopedic footwear. Perhaps it’s because ugly shoes are crucial to successful bowling. Or maybe it’s because no one with a clear mind and any sort of fashion sense would steal them. Or maybe, just maybe it’s all a big, fat accident by the inventor of bowling who happened to have a spare pair of hideously ugly shoes that he wanted to get rid of. Regardless of the reason, you’d think that by now someone somewhere would’ve designed a more attractive style. Mind you, one that’s more like a strappy sandal or something with a spiked heal, pointy toes, and, oh let’s see, a few crystal beads.
On top of unattractive accessories, the other problem with bowling is that if you want to win you have to have some kind of bowling strategy. Yes, as shocking as it seems, there are clear-cut strategies to chucking a ball down a lane. First there’s the straight ball, then the curve ball, and finally the hook ball (all pretty self-explanatory). However, my personal favorite is what I like to call the blind luck ball, which is to hold the ball close to my eyes, wildly throw my arm back, give a little yell, and fling the ball in the general direction of the pins. While this may seem like a willy-nilly sort of a system to those of you more professional bowling types, with my strategy, sometimes even a pin or two gets knocked down. So there.
And, as if that weren’t enough to worry about in bowling, there is the whole bowling lingo which is a completely different language altogether. For instance there are words like “spare” and “brackets” and “turkey.” That last one, mind you, isn’t a Thanksgiving main course or what my kids call me when I bowl, but rather, it means three strikes in a row. Who would have thought?
At the bowling alley I say things like:
Me: Hi, how is your game going?
Real Bowler: The backends were flying, but then halfway through the first game, I got a ton of carrydown. I couldn’t get the ball to the right of the brackets, so I blew my chance of getting a turkey.
Me: Oh, that’s nice. Say, what do you think about these shoes in a nice light mauve?
So needless to say, most people love bowling with me since I’m what they call in certain circles “a sure thing.” Oh, not in THAT way. I mean in the kind of way that makes everyone else look good.
I admit, I’m not sure exactly why I’m so lousy at bowling. It’s not like I don’t try. Some of you might say it’s because I’m uncoordinated. Or that I’m missing some kind of bowling gene. And, hey, you’re probably right.
But me, I blame the shoes.
Debbie Farmer is a humorist and a mother holding down the fort in California, and the author of “Don’t Put Lipstick on the Cat.” You can reach her at [email protected].
