In preparation for writing this column on Sunday, I visited the
local 7-Eleven for a treat. On the way to my destination
– the candy aisle – I glanced at some nutritious Powerbars and
other health stuff, some of which emphasized a
”
Maximum Protein Intake.
”
The protein factor certainly didn’t excite me
– nor did the price. So after slowing for a moment, I continued
to the chocolate selection, like a dog foregoing a dry bone for a
burger. OK, so I’m giving those two packages of Reese’s Pieces I
eventually purchased far too much credit.
In preparation for writing this column on Sunday, I visited the local 7-Eleven for a treat. On the way to my destination – the candy aisle – I glanced at some nutritious Powerbars and other health stuff, some of which emphasized a “Maximum Protein Intake.”
The protein factor certainly didn’t excite me – nor did the price. So after slowing for a moment, I continued to the chocolate selection, like a dog foregoing a dry bone for a burger. OK, so I’m giving those two packages of Reese’s Pieces I eventually purchased far too much credit.
Anyway, I thoroughly enjoyed the chocolate morsels, handfuls at a time, and with no regrets. And this column should show that enthusiasm, because the taste is still in my mouth.
The reason I bring this up – if you’re miraculously still with me – is that many people would have been driven by guilt to buy the Powerbar – some flavors of which, incidentally, have tastes similar to the aforementioned dog food.
Some people, pardon my language, are crazy over nutrition. And summertime is the peak of their flavorless restraint.
With that, there are, of course, two wholly different schools of thought regarding nutrition. There are people, mostly men, who try to gain weight, preferably muscle. And there are people, mostly women – or men who spent 20 years before getting a gym membership saying “I’m going to get a gym membership soon” – who want to lose weight.
I have solutions for both types of people, in this – the 2003 Summer Nutrition Blowout, sponsored by World Gym.
First I’ll cover the weight gainers.
I don’t want to brag or anything, but I go to the gym. Yup, 30 minutes a crack, two times a week. And I see these guys buying supplements before or after their workouts. The powders, the nutrition bars, the grape energy drinks with 10,000 calories.
Here’s some advice for anyone pumping iron to gain weight: Eat an entire frozen pizza and drink a couple Mountain Dews before or after the workout (after would probably be better).
Believe me, I’m a proven success. In grade school I ate whole pizzas, Hostess fruit pies, Nut Crunch bars, bologna sandwiches, Star Crunches, Snickers and more. And those were usually just appetizers, or a light breakfast.
Needless to say, the effects showed. Unfortunately, my adolescent dating life was damaged by a slightly chubbified appearance. My low point was in fifth grade when this boy, Ben, asked the girl I liked to be his girlfriend. She said yes, after which I heard his howling approval from across the playground.
Whoops, I’m getting off the subject. Really though, gaining weight shouldn’t be that hard. It’s not a science. What’s the difference – for muscle-gaining purposes – between a plate of brownies and a protein energy shake or a 10,000 calorie beverage?
I say, go for the brownies. Just remember to wipe your face before going to the gym, and I accept no legal liability for the results. Unless they’re good – then I want some money (monthly installments of $10 should suffice. Send them to Kollin, Free Lance, 350 Sixth St., Hollister, CA 95023).
Here’s an example to get you started: On Saturday night, I ate a McDonald’s dinner at 9:30 p.m., which included a Filet O’Fish (Is that Irish?) and a Reese’s McFlurry.
Now, for the weight loss folks. Boy, do I have a plan for you.
Here it goes. Stop worrying! Ninety-five to 99 percent of you look just fine. Everyone doesn’t have to look like 14-year-old models who eat like flies.
Just try to avoid a diet similar to mine in middle school, unless you’re a marathon runner or one of those genetically thin people. And if you’re motivated, go to the gym and glide on one of those super-scientific elliptical robot walkers.
But don’t feel bad skipping the workout when something else takes priority, unless eating a plate of brownies is the chosen alternative.
Kollin Kosmicki is a staff writer at the Free Lance. His column appears every other Tuesday.
