As many of you know, I am teaching Junior to drive. If you have
seen us out on the road, please try to keep in mind that normally I
don’t scream
”
look out
”
and
”
Oh my God
”
every two seconds while someone is driving me around. And if
you’ve seen us in a parking lot … well, I know you’ve probably
lived through a near-death experience and I apologize.
As many of you know, I am teaching Junior to drive. If you have seen us out on the road, please try to keep in mind that normally I don’t scream “look out” and “Oh my God” every two seconds while someone is driving me around. And if you’ve seen us in a parking lot … well, I know you’ve probably lived through a near-death experience and I apologize.
Anyway, it became very clear early on that we needed ground rules when Junior was in the driver’s seat. Specifically, we needed rules to protect me from having a heart attack the next time Junior accelerated my SUV like he would a racecar. So I came up with this list, which I am sharing with everyone and which I am planning to have tattooed on my teenager’s rear (not enough room on the forehead, in case you were wondering).
No. 1: This is not a racecar. It is an SUV. Basically, that means it is a giant, hulking pig on the road and it doesn’t turn well. It also doesn’t stop fast – so tailgating, while thrilling for you, is terrifying for everyone else. And by “everyone else,” I mean, “me.” You know, the person that holds your driving future in the palm of her hand.
No. 2: Your father has taken to calling the front passenger seat the “death seat.” Don’t complain about it. At some point, you will be teaching your own child to drive and you’ll call it the death seat too.
No. 3: “Begin to accelerate” doesn’t translate to “smash your foot to the floor and back out of the driveway at full speed.”
No. 4: Stopping is a gradual process. The goal is to stop the vehicle, not give your passenger whiplash. If I end up in a neck brace, I will hide the car keys where you will never find them – in the hamper in the laundry room, a place you never seem to be able to locate.
No. 5: I do not care about the “apex” of the turn and all that racing stuff. Slow the heck down before you start to turn the vehicle.
No. 6: Likewise, the goal of driving an SUV is not to see how many “g’s” you can pull. Save that knowledge for science class where someone will appreciate it. And here’s a tip: if your science teacher is teaching his teen to drive, he’s never going to appreciate knowing you pulled a “g.”
No. 7: A turn that happens on two wheels is also known as “you will never drive again.”
No. 8: Do not swerve the vehicle, even if you think it’s funny to see your passenger’s face and hair turn white and hair to stand on end. I pay a lot of money to have brown hair. I want to keep it.
No. 9: Playing the radio full blast while learning to drive isn’t going to happen. As a bonus, you will not need to constantly switch channels to find your “driving jam.”
No. 10: Do not lean out the car window and shout at friends while driving. The goal of driving is to see things that happen in front of you, not your friends waving at you from the sidelines.
No. 11: When you see a cute girl walking down the street, you do not stop in the middle of the road, put on sunglasses, turn on the radio and then back up to make sure she saw you. If you do, all she will see is a crazy woman in the passenger seat screaming at you like a maniac. That’s not a flattering look for you or me.
I’m sure there are many more rules … but these are the ones I have so far. Feel free to add your own and again I warn you – somewhere out there is a teenager who is learning all of my bad driving habits. I suggest public transit for those of you who live nearby.
