I hate to even think it, let alone write it down, because it
usually constitutes materialism and selfishness.
I hate to even think it, let alone write it down, because it usually constitutes materialism and selfishness.
But to be true to myself, I have to admit that much of my life is ruled by money.
I’m about 99 percent sure that the phrase “money doesn’t buy happiness” does not apply to me. When I’ve got it I’m happy as a clam, and when I don’t I become a rampaging lunatic, wildly scheming and plotting ways to get some cash.
It’s like a drug, and I am its unfortunate slave.
Before I go on, let me clarify something: Money itself is not exactly what I yearn for, it’s the things it buys me.
I love to shop… for anything. I shop when I’m happy, when I’m sad, when I’m bored, when I’m busy; to reward myself when I’ve done something great and to console myself when I’ve screwed up.
The only problem with all of this, is that rarely do I have much money in my bank account, and when I do, it seems to disappear faster than it comes in.
This phenomenon then leads me down the dark road of debt and to a desperate dungeon of despair, of which three words hang menacingly over its looming black gate: Checking account overdrawn.
Just the sight of those words send shivers up my spine.
I am a fairly intelligent person, but I could quite possibly top the list of money management morons on the entire planet.
How I became this way is a mystery, because my father’s financial sense is nothing short of stellar (and to his credit, over the years he’s tried his damnedest to instill this sense in me, but to no avail).
Money burns a hole in my pocket so hot that I practically have no choice but to spend it so I don’t get scorched.
I’ve pondered the question of an actual addiction – they even have a toll free hotline called “Shopaholics Anonymous” for people who can’t go one day without spending money on something.
I really don’t think I’m that bad (Of course, the first sign of an addiction is denial, but I’m not ready to go there yet). My problem stems from a severe inability to manage my finances.
So being the resourceful journalist I am, I researched money management and read up on some easy ways to get your finances in order.
Well, technically, I took one of those pop-up quizzes on Yahoo! called “What’s your money style.” Fiscally-oriented articles tend to make me want to take a nap, and sleeping is somewhat frowned upon at work.
The quiz went something like this:
Q: How do you track your finances?
A: By the amount of Macy’s receipts I have stuffed in my wallet.
Q: How often do you review your finances?
A: Whenever I deposit money at the ATM – that little receipt they print out for you is clutch.
Q: Your ideal money situation is:
A: Never having to look at a price tag ever again.
Q: When it comes to financial decisions, you:
A: Ask if they take plastic.
Q: You learned to manage your money by:
A: Hello? If I had ever learned to manage my money would I be taking this stupid quiz?
Upon calculation of my answers to my money style questionnaire, apparently my style ain’t so suave.
The quiz was from a British-based Web site, and according to them I’m a money muppet. I don’t know what the definition of a muppet is in the UK, but I’m guessing it’s not synonymous with genius.
They did have some advice for me, however. If I start writing down everything I spend money on, cut out frivolous spending and occasionally read a real article or two on money management, I can have my finances in tip-top shape in no time.
Being the responsible girl I am, I’ve decided to take their advice – kind of.
Instead of just keeping my Macy’s receipts I’ll keep all of them, so I’ll technically have every expenditure written down in some way, shape or form – and stuffed in my wallet.
I’ll keep my eye out for articles on money management – I’ll at least scan the ones my dad e-mails me before instantly hitting the delete button.
And as far as frivolous spending goes, no more superfluous trips to the grocery store from now on.
Hot dogs and Jell-O is fine with me if it means my closet stays stocked.
