On Dec. 31, I offered my psychic birthright in the form of
Kollin’s 2003 New Year’s Horosopes. It’s something I don’t like to
flaunt because, frankly, the results haven’t been pretty throughout
my life.
On Dec. 31, I offered my psychic birthright in the form of Kollin’s 2003 New Year’s Horosopes. It’s something I don’t like to flaunt because, frankly, the results haven’t been pretty throughout my life. Usually, I get either a dirty look or a sock to the jaw, neither of which I enjoy.
But some of the positive responses after the first published edition have inspired me to write another. For instance, my cousin Brandon e-mailed me Jan. 1.
“You are an idiot,” he wrote. “Why does the Hollister Free Lance give you a column? See ya at your brother’s wedding in March. I hope you still have a job. Take care.”
I could tell by the tone of his response, at least by the e-mail’s ending, my predictions had put him in a good mood. Plus, he’s a kidder, and you’d have to know Brandon to understand his humor. I had truly inspired him.
Famed Hollister columnist Herman Wrede visited the newspaper’s office Jan. 2 just to tell me, “Thank you for changing my life.” He grabbed my shirt and said, “As long as you have a job here, I will feel immensely secure in my employment.”
You’re welcome, Herman. And to everyone else, please don’t punch me if we cross paths on the street.
Aries (March 21-April 19) – Since New Year’s Day, you have succeeded in eating healthier. Unfortunately, after the weekend’s holiday feast – especially the ham and cheesy potatoes – you’ve realized you are no different than others. Food is overpowering. You will need a new set of belts by next week.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – Today is the day we have all been waiting for. Finally, you will take a shower.
Gemini (May 21-June 20) – Today you will be free-spirited. You will eat a lot of greasy food, not shave, drive fast and use the handicapped bathroom stall.
Cancer (June 21-July 22) – Through intense meditation in your living room, today you will realize the meaning of life. When you come out of the trance, “Dr. Phil” will be on TV. Moments later, you will forget the meaning of life.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – Don’t neglect your daily duties for the family. Now, tell your spouse your list that details his or her annoying quirks. And remember, tell each family member to “be safe” every single time they walk out the door.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – Don’t let anyone manipulate you today at work. If they try, grab him or her by the collar and say, “Look buddy, take your fancy schemes back to the dump, where they came from!” That’ll teach ’em – unless it’s the boss; then you’ll get fired.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – Remember that Bible story about Jesus walking on water? Well, you’re not Jesus, but it sure would be funny to see you try it.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – Today you will make a life-changing decision: After work, you’ll come home and decide you will quit your job the following morning. After all, you’ve always wanted to pursue a career as a juggling mime. (Note: You’ve had too much to drink.)
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – Keep things to yourself today, especially your secret desire for Carrot Top. Oh yeah, and please close your mouth when you chew the leftover potato salad.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan.19) – No psychic reading.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – Your numbers are 2, 12, 24, 33, 48 and 68. Now, go spend a lot of money on lottery tickets, and don’t blame me if you lose. If you win, I want half. Don’t argue with me!
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – Taking candy from little children is not funny. Now, taking candy from children while wearing a clown suit… that’s comedy. Do that!
