Love that blotter
”
Mr. Venzykulu, Mr. Venzykulu!
”
Yep, it’s the little old blue-haired lady.
”
Mr. Venzykulu, how come you’re afraid to write on the sheriff’s
salary and other county officials despite it making front page
news? Is it because your friend Stockade John is no longer the
district attorney and the new D.A. wants you back in Hollister so
Supervisor De La Cruz and Sheriff Hill can hold you while Candy
kicks you in the canacas and exposes your witness protection and my
goodness you’re fat. Can’t you cut back on the tacos and beer?
”
Love that blotter
“Mr. Venzykulu, Mr. Venzykulu!” Yep, it’s the little old blue-haired lady. “Mr. Venzykulu, how come you’re afraid to write on the sheriff’s salary and other county officials despite it making front page news? Is it because your friend Stockade John is no longer the district attorney and the new D.A. wants you back in Hollister so Supervisor De La Cruz and Sheriff Hill can hold you while Candy kicks you in the canacas and exposes your witness protection and my goodness you’re fat. Can’t you cut back on the tacos and beer?”
Now you folks know why I drink – The little old blue-haired lady would make Sister Superior drink. Little does she know that I spent a month investigating the salaries and “perks” of the sheriff and district attorney and others on the top 10 salary list and plan to expose them in next week’s column. You will be shocked. Aye chee waa waa!
Speaking of Sister Superior, boy was I embarrassed when she was standing behind me when I was at Walgreen’s picking up my annual “tonight’s the night” supplies. One glow-in-the-dark condom and a heart pill. Aye chee waa waa.
That great ad in the Pinnacle for Johnny’s Bar and Grill reminded me of the No. 1 thing I miss about Hollister: Johnny’s and its Halloween parties. I would always win the best scary mask and costume contest. The funny thing is I wasn’t wearing a mask.
I had some pretty crappy jobs when I was a teen but none like that 12-year-old of Matt’s Doggy Poo Cleanup Service featured in the South Valley Hollister classified ads. I’d like to shake his hand. On second thought, maybe not.
Can some actors be too good? Yes, just watch Denzel Washington in “American Gangster,” the best American movie so far this year. And if you can watch this factual account on the war against drugs and gangs and still think that a few police officers or even 20 more will make a dent in the gang problem in Hollister then you deserve to waste your money on more taxes. Remember the war on drugs has been going on since the Nixon years. That famous picture of Elvis visiting Nixon in the Oval Office pledging his help on the war on drugs says it all. Was Nixon telling Elvis “I will help you fight drugs” or “I will help you find drugs.” Aye chee waa waa.
Love that recent police blotter under burglary in the Fifty Cent Lance. “A 17-year-old Hollister girl was arrested by police on suspicion of burglary, a felony, after she was found with a manicure kit, makeup brush and nail kit while attempting to leave the store without paying, police said. There are no suspects.”
Now I didn’t go to the FBI Academy or Sherlock Holmes University but even Barney Fife could figure out who the suspect could be. Could it possibly be the girl police arrested?
Still laughing at the Fifty Cent Lance praising its revamped (again) style when they claim that the Crimson Crusader is one of their most popular features. Fast forward to the Oct. 24 edition under Crimson Crusader. No phone calls for the Crimson Crusader. And this is their most popular feature? Aye chee waa waa.
The first thing I read in the Pinnacle is publisher Mark Paxton’s column “Naturally,” where he writes about all that natural stuff that’s good for you. (No I don’t but he signs my checks). The second (first) is definitely Mark Lemmerman’s “Channel Surfing.” I usually disagree with all his movie and television reviews but I love his phraseology. Couple of weeks ago he wrote he didn’t laugh once while watching “The Big Bang Theory.” Neither did I but it’s my favorite comedy on television next to Katie Couric and the news. The main characters are Sheldon and Leonard. The man who practically invented situation comedy and certainly honed the art during the Golden Age of TV was the actor, writer and producer Sheldon Leonard. Now that’s all I need to seek more irony and love “The Big Bang Theory,” even if initially I thought it was the movie of the week on my porn channel.
You’re lucky that I wrote a column this week as I don’t belong to the Hollywood Writers’ Guild. I don’t need to show you no stinkin’ Guild card. Truth told I was turned down by the Hollywood Writers’ Guild and every writer’s guild in the United States. It is definitely a racist thing. As I was leaving the building I heard them say, “that’s the dumbest ingrate I have ever interviewed, can’t spell, can’t write and smells funny.” What bothers me is that they are not going to hire me because they think I’m an ingrate when my parents were not from Ingratei but of the Mexican persuasion.
Everyone here in Lost Angeles is so happy that the Dodgers hired Joe Torre as manager. Still the same lousy players. That’s like hiring Pamela Anderson to be the madame of a cat house with all the hookers looking like Rosie O’Donnell. Aye chee waa waa.
