It’s Halloween and we all know what means. Yes, it’s time to take an old, untrustworthy car out into the middle of an abandoned town/forest/farm and explore. This is best done with friends who are just as stupid as you. But just so you have the upper hand in surviving your Halloween road trip, here is a survival guide.
– Do not take a road trip to an old, abandoned town/forest/farm in your ancient car with five bazillion miles on it, a rusty radiator and an uncharged phone. Really? I have to tell you that?
– Do not get out of the car and immediately decide you and your friends should split up to explore the area.
– If you find a book called “How to Bring Back the Dead,” leave it alone. Do not open it. Do not look at the strange words written in it and try to pronounce them out loud. This will not
end well.
– If a stranger dressed as a zombie approaches you, do not try to bargain with him. He does not want your Snickers bars. He wants your brains. Although if you are stupid enough to be around a zombie, you are probably not going to make a satisfying meal.
– If a guy with a chainsaw approaches you, run. But do not run into a heavily wooded area. What is wrong with you? Who hides from a chainsaw wielding maniac in the woods?
– If you get lucky and kill whatever it is that is chasing you, don’t try to verify that it is dead. You aren’t a witch doctor. You don’t know how to verify the time of death for the undead. Just leave.
– If a portal suddenly opens before you, don’t jump in. Seriously. Do you think portals to Disneyland just open randomly? No, no they don’t. They are portals to Hell and trust me, they aren’t like Disneyland. Well, maybe the ride lines are similar.
– If you see some glowing, red eyes in the distance, go the other way. It’s not a tiny kitten, sobbing because it has been abandoned. It’s a hellhound and its job is to lure you in for dinner. And it should go without saying, but you are dinner.
– If you are stupid enough to run into an abandoned house, do not go into the basement or attic. As everyone with half a brain knows, those are the places where maniacs, zombies and the undead lurk. Also a vampire or two. And not the romantic, Edward kind of vampire, either. I mean the kind that kills you and doesn’t glitter in the sun like David Bowie circa 1974.
– Again, if you are stupid enough to run into an abandoned house and the blender suddenly starts working, leave. This is not a sign that frozen margaritas are forthcoming. Unless you enjoy a brainrita, the favored drink of zombies.
– If you find a skeleton, do not remove the ornate necklace from its neck. Leave. There’s bad luck in that necklace.
– If two scary looking twin girls who speak Latin approach you, run. These are not precocious, super smart 7-year-olds from the AP program at Gilroy High School. And just FYI, to my knowledge, there are no 7-year-olds in the AP program at GHS. Most of those are smart teenagers, which is a different type of terror entirely.
– If you hear a noise, do not under any circumstances assume it is the wind. It is not. It is a scary creature out to get you. Likewise, do not go check to see what the noise might have been. Again, it’s a scary creature. It will come get you. You don’t have to go find it.
