Closet presents is the term my wife uses for presents I either use once and put away forever, or never even take out of the manufacturer’s inner packaging.
I have a rule for presents I receive; I never take them back for a refund or exchange. Even if I don’t use the present, I appreciate the thought and effort that went into it. The problem is, most of the time I like the idea of receiving presents more than I like the presents themselves. That’s one reason I like Christmastime.
Don’t get me wrong, I get some great presents; at one time or another they were exactly what I wanted. They had better be – I spend enough time dropping subtle hints such as, “Man, did you see the new double-bladed, battery-powered custom splitting ax, Item Number A-1853547, on Fancy-Forest-Tools.com? You can really get your money’s worth for $67.95 these days and it comes with free shipping!” Then the ax shows up all gift-wrapped and I can’t remember why I wanted it in the first place.
On occasion, it’s just a matter of bad timing. I love books, and buy many for myself and appreciate them when I receive them as a present. But I have to be ready to deal with the subject matter – whatever it is. I always have four or five books sitting around ripening. When I’m ready for a subject I will read everything I can get my hands on about it; the difficulty is that it can take me years to get ready for a particular subject. So, if you’ve given me a book and see it is still unopened, just be aware that its time is not right yet.
There is one class of present I never get and that is board games. I have made it known to all my relatives, I do not play board games anymore – in fact, I hate board games. When I was on isolated Army duty for a year, they had a constant game of Risk going day and night, and I’ve had my fill for a lifetime.
Another problem is my inability to carefully unwrap a present. I see wrapped presents as a challenge to my manhood; just how many pieces can I make out of the wrapping paper and ribbons before declaring the present open and ready for inspection and appreciation? More than you can imagine.
One of the best times is when the presents are handed out one at a time from under the tree or from the hanging stocking, or at least it starts out as one at a time. Impatience usually wins in the end and one at a time turns into a few more and, eventually, it’s every man for himself or you’ll never get to the cake and coffee.
Some of my favorite presents are the tiny ones in the stockings; they can be fun to play with like those where you have to try to roll the little BBs into the holes underneath the glass top. That’s what I like, games of skill where no thinking is required!
I can hear you now as you’re saying, “Wait a minute, Marty, you’re Jewish, what in the world are you doing with presents, stockings and a Christmas tree?” Well, I do it because I love getting presents – why do you do it?
