I was visiting Gavilan College the other day and they were
interviewing for a new baseball coach.
Here is how it went with the three finalists as I secretly
peered into the administration building window:
”
I am Barry Bonds,
”
said the first fellow, a lanky Caucasian.
”
I am Barry Bonds,
”
said the second lad, a short Asian.
”
I am Barry Bonds,
”
said the third man, a husky Hispanic.
I was visiting Gavilan College the other day and they were interviewing for a new baseball coach.
Here is how it went with the three finalists as I secretly peered into the administration building window:
“I am Barry Bonds,” said the first fellow, a lanky Caucasian.
“I am Barry Bonds,” said the second lad, a short Asian.
“I am Barry Bonds,” said the third man, a husky Hispanic.
Then the college president proclaimed through a bullhorn: “Will the real Barry Bonds please stand up!”
Darned if the Asian guy didn’t leap to his feet as if his chair was afire.
“You’re hired!” said the president, shaking the dude’s hand so hard that the lithe man actually was lifted up and down off the floor in cadence with each shake.
“This is a proud day for Gavilan College,” the president said, extending his arms and knocking over a vase. “We now have a home runneth king as our new baseball coach.
“Please tell our bell tower student to ring the bell thrice and put some elbow grease into it so that the entire campus will hear the news and dance in Shakespearean delight.”
Then the president started waltzing around his office with an imaginary partner before finally pausing after he knocked over a large lamp.
He caught his breath, straightened his white powdered wig, and then bellowed: “Let’s light these fine cigars all at once so that smoke will smoketh out of my presidential chimney, just like the Catholics do when they cut cards for a new Pope.”
The president then called in his 12 assistant presidents and they called in their 10 assistant to the assistant presidents. The two disappointed Barry Bonds’ quietly left the room while all 22 assistants and assistant assistants started shaking hands with the just-hired Barry Bonds.
Before you know it guffaws, harrumphs and cigar smoke quickly filled the room. A lone teacher came in and stood the lamp back up, but now the president was wearing the lamp shade.
“Hiring Barry Bonds is bigger than New Year’s Eve!” he shouted, twirling around as the campus tower bell clanged madly outside.
“I said to ring the bell thrice, not for a fortnight you dolt!” the president yelled out the window through his bullhorn. “Just for that you will have to take Bell Ringing 101 again! Now get over to football practice and report to our new head coach Bear Bryant!
OK, OK. Don’t get your tassels in a knot.
Gavilan College recently had some egghead on its face after hiring a guy who claimed to be former NFL player Lawrence McGrew.
Hey, mistakes happen. Just the other day, a man came to the Free Lance and said he was a veteran reporter who had covered World War I and wrote several best-selling novels.
“Hi, my name is Ernest Hemingway,” he said as we shook hands.
To be honest my first thought was “Wow. This would be a great hire to have a famous writer like Ernest Hemingway on the staff. Surely he could craft some terrific prose on the cannery or the DA’s office. An award-winning profile on Hizzoner Brian Conroy at the very least.”
But I became suspicious when I noticed, thanks to my reporter background, that the guy didn’t have a beard like the pictures of Hemingway that I remembered from college. Plus, he only had one ear and was about 6-foot-10.
So I checked his drivers license and sure enough his name was Hank Hemingway – and he admitted that he was really a plumber.
Here in Hollister at our local high school district, two folks actually passed through the entire hiring process as Dumb and Dumber, according to several reports we received.
I mean, how could two people be hired with no last names? You’d think someone would ask if it was Dumb Smith and Dumber Jones or something like that. It’s hard to believe it would say Dumb on a drivers license or birth certificate, but it’s a pretty crazy world out there these days.
But between the hiring of Barry Bonds as Gavilan’s new baseball coach and Dumb and Dumber slipping past our local triple-doctorates, it’s understandable that school administrators are a touchy bunch these days.
No wonder they forget to close their umbrellas while walking around campus on a sunny day.
Well, I better get back to work. My phone is ringing and you won’t believe the name on my caller ID.
It’s John Steinbeck.
Too bad we don’t have any current openings.
