One of the most disheartening things for many people about going
to the doctor is knowing that no matter why you are there, you are
going to start the visit by being weighed.
One of the most disheartening things for many people about going to the doctor is knowing that no matter why you are there, you are going to start the visit by being weighed. I usually avoid seeing the digital readout on the scale at all costs, and the doctor never tells me what it is. Imagine my surprise this week when I went to the doctor, inadvertently glanced down at the number flashing on the scale and noticed it read less than I expected.
Fifty-three pounds less! How could this be possible? Â
“Is this right?” I asked the technician. “Is there something wrong with this scale?”
When the doctor came in, I said, “Can I see my chart? What does it say my weight was a year ago? What is going on?”
I started life as a slim person with not one ounce of baby fat. My mom was startled the first moment when she saw me as a baby – she said I was so skinny, it seemed as if my skin was stretched too tight. When I was young, I was able to eat anything and everything I wanted without gaining weight. At almost 5 feet 10 inches tall and weighing only 120 pounds, I still saw myself as fat. I used to log every bite of food I ate, add up the calories and write them down in a journal which listed the weight of every major celebrity. I knew the calorie count of every food by heart. It was always my goal to live on 1,000 calories a day.
When you feel so deprived, you have dreams of giant chocolate factories and tremendous candy stores filled with rows and rows of candy in every shape, size and color of the rainbow. You dream that you are Willie Wonka, spending your nights inventing new candy flavors.
You try not eating carbohydrates and all you can think about are freshly baked cinnamon rolls smothered in rich icing, chocolate chip cookies right out of the oven, a big bowl of peanut butter and chocolate ice cream or … I’d better stop.
But at some point as an adult, I began losing the battle of deprivation and went the other way. I discovered that food was incredibly comforting, that the extra weight gave me a feeling of well-being and security I had never had before. Even though it was a false sense of security, it was a payoff I seemed to need emotionally.
As an adult with unresolved issues of having been an abused child, the weight became a protection that meant I was less appealing to the opposite sex. I didn’t have to deal with all the catcalls, unwanted attention and obnoxious advances that I received every time I left the house as a slim woman. The weight became a shield, and I liked being left alone.
As my weight increased, I joined Jenny Craig, tried Weight Watchers, Overeaters Anonymous, and diets ranging from the grapefruit to the Atkins. I gained weight on every single one of them. I was caught in an endless cycle of temporary weight loss through deprivation, irresistible cravings, regaining the weight plus more additional pounds, feelings of discouragement, self-loathing and then the start of the next diet.
It was only after I gave up, threw out the scale and resolved to never diet again that any real progress began. The key was working on the emotional issues from my past. Â
My friend Bill Bartunek, personal trainer to special needs clients in South County, said to me, “Take ‘can’t’ out of your vocabulary and replace it with ‘will.’ Listen to you heart. Your head will mess you up.”
He recommended always leaving white space on your plate or using plates that have a decorative border around them because it has a psychological effect of helping you to eat smaller portions. I tried it, and I began taking part of every meal at a restaurant home. I still eat everything I want, just less of it at each sitting.
It was only after I gave up on obsessing on weight that it finally began coming off. It’s been a slow process, but after three years, I weigh 53 pounds less. As we get older, we can get smarter, stronger, better.
Nothing in life seems impossible now.
