Dear Abby once got a letter that read:
”
Dear Abby, do all marriages go stale after 25 years? Ours has.
My husband and I don’t have too much to talk about anymore. We used
to talk about our kids, but now they’re gone and we really don’t
have anything to converse about. I have no major complaints with my
husband, but the old excitement is gone. We watch a lot of
television, and we read, and we have friends … but when we’re
alone together it’s pretty dull. Is there some way to recapture the
old magic? Signed, ‘The Song Has Ended.’
”
Dear Abby once got a letter that read: “Dear Abby, do all marriages go stale after 25 years? Ours has. My husband and I don’t have too much to talk about anymore. We used to talk about our kids, but now they’re gone and we really don’t have anything to converse about. I have no major complaints with my husband, but the old excitement is gone. We watch a lot of television, and we read, and we have friends … but when we’re alone together it’s pretty dull. Is there some way to recapture the old magic? Signed, ‘The Song Has Ended.'”
“Reader’s Digest” reports that the No. 1 question people ask marriage counselors is, “Why don’t we love each other the way we used to?” That’s a good question. The fact is that, in marriage, the couple is always either growing together or drifting apart. Relationships never stand still.
So what do you do when your marriage hits a flat spot? How can you rekindle that love you had at the beginning? Let’s start by considering what Jesus said to the church in Ephesus – “You have forsaken your first love. Remember the height from which you’ve fallen. Repent and do the things you did at first” (Revelations 2:4-5). The same principle applies to marriages. You need to do three things – first, remember what you did when you fell in love; second, repent (deliberately change your attitude toward your mate); and, third, do the things you did at first. What you did to fall in love – you must continue to do in order to stay in love.
Over the next two weeks, we will look at what brings people together in the first place. When you fell in love, there were five elements present, and you can use these to rekindle the love you once had. We’ll look at the first one today and the other four next week.
Ingredient No. 1: Attention. Philippians 2:4 says, “Look to each other’s interests, not merely your own.” The first step in love comes as you pay attention to one another, so if you want to rekindle your romance, you need to pay attention again.
Remember how much attention you paid to one another at first? There were calls, flowers, notes, gifts and frequent meetings. All these said, “I’m paying attention.” Ever notice how when something is new, it gets a lot of attention? (a car, boat, house, game, etc.). But, what happens after a while? Familiarity breeds complacence.
Ladies, you need to understand that most men are goal oriented. Here’s how this works when applied to marriage. Goal No. 1 – He thinks, “I’ve got to get a wife.” So he becomes very creative trying to accomplish the goal, often doing things he would never ordinarily do (he may read poetry, go to the ballet, willingly take you shopping and all kinds of strange things). But once the wedding is over, he thinks “goal accomplished,” and moves on to the next goal – “I must provide for my family.” His attention shifts from the woman herself to providing for her … to his career.
The result is that, often, the wife feels cheated. She cries out, “What happened? Before we, married you were so romantic. Now, you totally ignore me! I’ve been dumped for your career; this was a setup, the classic bait and switch; you had this all planned!”
Ladies, that’s not true – your husband isn’t smart enough to plan something that complicated … he’s just programmed to shift focus and realign his goals. What he needs is not criticism, but deprogramming.
The place to start is by recognizing and dealing with the No. 1 enemy of romance is a busy schedule. You need to make time for each other. Every couple should have a “date” (just the two of you -– no kids) every week. Put it in your daytimer, write it on your calendar, staple a reminder note on your forehead if you have to, but make one every week.
A University of Nebraska study came up with some interesting information. They found that a common denominator in successful marriages was that the couple spent a lot of time together. So, if you want to rekindle the fire in your marriage, the first step is taking the time to pay attention to one another again.
More next week.
Henry Harris is senior pastor of Rolling Hills Community Church in Hollister. Your comments are appreciated. E-mail him at [email protected] or write him in care of the Church at 330 Tres Pinos Road or call
636-5353.
