I was daydreaming for several hours here at the newspaper the
other day. Someone very important in my life (I can’t remember who
it was right now) once told me:
”
There are two things you should always do on company time,
daydream and play golf.
”
I’m not much of a golfer, so I put in extra time daydreaming to
make up for it. Plus, it’s been too hot outside for golf.
I was daydreaming for several hours here at the newspaper the other day. Someone very important in my life (I can’t remember who it was right now) once told me: “There are two things you should always do on company time, daydream and play golf.”
I’m not much of a golfer, so I put in extra time daydreaming to make up for it. Plus, it’s been too hot outside for golf.
Anyway, here’s what I was daydreaming about. I should be the next Hollister Police Chief.
Don’t laugh. I have an extensive criminal background. Oops, I mean criminal justice background.
When I was just a toddler growing up in Chicago, my dad used to tell me: “Son, most of the guys I graduated with from high school are either cops or in jail. And they all acted the same.”
He would tell that to my uncles, both policemen, and they would get mad. But then my dad would break out the bottle of good Scotch and everything was OK. In fact, they would all start singing and, well, let’s not go there.
Here is what I would do as police chief of Hollister.
The way I see it, there are three key strategies for the new top dude. I’ll list them in order of importance.
1. Keep the union happy.
2. Save a lot of money for the city.
3. Throw bad guys in jail. (I guess to be politically correct I should add “bad girls” as well. Except that statistics show there are still way more guy criminals than girl criminals. I don’t want to sound sexist, but women have a long way to go to catch up to men when it comes to crime.)
Here is what else I would do as the new police chief:
– Change my title to “King Cop.” That way I would immediately outrank Sheriff Curtis Hill and CHP Commander Bob Davies.
– Then I would be forced to eliminate either the sheriff or CHP commander position to save money. This would be my first difficult decision. Maybe they could fight each other over it and whoever wins gets to keep their job. Curtis certainly has the height advantage, but I wouldn’t count old Bob out, either. I bet he’s pretty scrappy. Nah, one or both of them would get hurt and cost the city a fortune in workman’s comp. I would have to choose Curtis because he’s also the coroner, you know, two jobs for the price of one salary. In fact, I would also make him a judge. Let me explain why. Remember that creep who stole the Good Samaritan’s truck the other day on Highway 25 after the guy stopped to help him? Well, let’s pretend that the truck thief interrupted his high-speed escape to buy a thing of strawberries, or maybe some garlic in Gilroy. And he got nabbed. We could just summon our good friend Curtis Hill to the scene where, as a judge, he could declare this jerk guilty and sentence him to death by firing squad. Then he could slip out of his long robe and put his sheriff uniform back on and shoot the guy. Then he could quickly put on one of his snappy coroner suits and declare the guy dead as a door nail. Bing, bang, boom. Justice has been served lickety-split with much savings for us, the now-grateful taxpayers. The lawyers wouldn’t like that streamlined process, but who cares? They’re lawyers for godsakes.
OK, where was I? Oh yeah, more stuff to do as King Cop.
– For department morale purposes (see strategy No. 1), I would give all the cops a day off. On the same day! Now which day of the week I pick would have to be a tightly kept secret. Certainly our area bank owners wouldn’t be too wild about this idea. But I think we could pull it off so that all the cops could hang out with each other and talk about what a doofus the new chief is while they’re hunting or four-wheeling. We could either cross our fingers and hope nothing bad happens on that day. Or dress a bunch of regular civilians in police uniforms and let them borrow the squad cars, if they promise to return them the next morning.
– To save more money I would ban all Alcoholic Beverage Control cops from coming into Hollister for any reason, especially during the Independence Rally. Wait, here’s an idea. They could come in only if they were going to work side jobs for the local bars, checking IDs at the door. Why not put their expertise to work in a productive way?
Let me fill out my King Cop resume before going in front of the Hollister City Council members (their motto: “Really? You’re kidding!”).
– I like donuts.
– I’m not in very good shape for chasing crooks on foot, but I know how to drive real fast, especially if I don’t have to worry about getting a ticket or paying for the dents.
– I don’t remember how to shoot guns very accurately (I haven’t lived in Chicago for many years). But I could quickly get my fast-draw up to speed at the dandy shooting range inside the Hollister Police Station.
– I grew up watching “The Andy Griffith Show” and “Miami Vice.” Now I watch “NYPD Blue” and “Law and Order.” What else is there to know?
I have even thought up a cool new slogan for the Hollister Police Department if I am approved as King Cop.
“Buy the Free Lance today, or you will be towed away.”
Mike Fitzgerald is Associate Publisher/Executive Editor of the Hollister Free Lance. He can be reached at 637-5566 ext. 337 or at mf*********@fr***********.com. His commentary appears in every weekend edition.
