About six months have passed since my last installment of
horoscopes. I don’t use my psychic gift often
– occasionally for the newspaper or when someone pays me a
suitcase full of money.
Today, however, is a special edition honoring the Free Lance’s
130th birthday celebration. To exult the newspaper’s achievement,
I’ve tried extra hard on the horoscopes
– a 130-percent effort to be precise.
About six months have passed since my last installment of horoscopes. I don’t use my psychic gift often – occasionally for the newspaper or when someone pays me a suitcase full of money.
Today, however, is a special edition honoring the Free Lance’s 130th birthday celebration. To exult the newspaper’s achievement, I’ve tried extra hard on the horoscopes – a 130-percent effort to be precise.
If you’re wondering how I tried harder than 100 percent, which is the rationale limit of effort anyone can exhibit: For the past week, I slept 30 percent less than my usual resting time and spent those extra two hours and 24 minutes pondering horoscopes.
As proof, here is an excerpt from my diary dated Oct. 18: “Dear diary, today I woke up after sleeping for only five hours to work extra hard on horoscopes for nearly two and a half hours. In the early afternoon, I frolicked through Dunne Park for several hours before enjoying a pleasant dinner at Togo’s sub shop. Then I worked hard on horoscopes again before retiring for the evening.”
As stated as a disclaimer in previous columns: Please don’t punch me if we cross paths. I’m only the messenger.
Aries (March 21–April 19): You will take all the neighbors’ Halloween candy before the holiday. When an angry mob goes door to door asking who took it, you’ll point at Old Man Withers’ house, or someone else with a similar name. Then your son or daughter will get immersed in the crowd of angered neighbors and start chanting: “Let’s get Withers. Let’s get Withers.”
Taurus (April 20–May 20): You will make a very important decision today. Now, how much you’re willing to compensate Grandma to keep her mouth shut, that’s up to you. But you better not skimp; she’s tougher than nails.
Gemini (May 21–June 20): Horoscopes are for insecure, confused individuals. So they’re perfect for you. This week, everyone will like you and your jokes will impress co-workers at the office. Also, everyone is wondering: How did you lose all that weight so fast?
Cancer (June 21–July 22): Finally, you realize your dad could not have beaten up anyone else’s father through all your time in school. You and Pa are lucky nobody ever took you up on that offer.
Leo (July 23–Aug. 22): You’re so irritated with neighborhood kids using portable hoops to play basketball on your street, you dress up as a scarecrow and chase them off the road. When they recognize your voice and threaten to tell their parents, you respond in a deep, sinister tone: “No, I am not. I am the crazy scarecrow man, who can mimic anyone’s voice.”
Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22): While driving through town, you will stop at a light and become entranced in a daydream. When the dream ends, you realize you’re drooling and seductively staring at the person in the neighboring car, who turns out to be your third grade teacher.
Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22): Today would be a good day to pay back debts. Now, if you go to Tahoe first and win a couple grand, you could pay off some debts and get liquored up for a week.
Scorpio (Oct. 23–Nov. 21): You read a horoscope for the first time and realize your sign is Scorpio. Immediately, you start introducing yourself as Scorpio. In a voice similar to that of the “He-Man” character Skeletor, you say to everyone: “I am Scorpio, and you – you are doomed!”
Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21): You decide you have so many funny stories, it’s time to write a book. Then, when you start writing the book, you get to page 2 and realize, “I’d rather watch the movie ‘Teen Wolf 2′ over and over than read my own book.”
Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19): You become intrigued by a street fiddler named Horris. When you realize he was lying about his name, you take your money out of his fiddle holder and say: “Hey man, half the reason I gave you that money was because I liked your name.”
Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18): No psychic reading.
Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20): All in one week, you will stop two bad habits: telling people you’re Tiger Woods’ cousin and writing secret, disparaging notes to other family members about your spouse.
