Live! In real time! Death Cam!
People used to write in diaries. Then privacy became dull and
diaries became Web pages. Now there are Web cams. Last week I saw a
story about a guy who has a Web cam strapped to his head. The world
can watch his life, not on tape delay or adjusted for Eastern or
Central time zones.
Live! In real time! Death Cam!
People used to write in diaries. Then privacy became dull and diaries became Web pages. Now there are Web cams. Last week I saw a story about a guy who has a Web cam strapped to his head. The world can watch his life, not on tape delay or adjusted for Eastern or Central time zones.
He will not have to send out form Christmas letters because everyone already knows everything about his life.
Here at the Pinnacle news bunker we are in a constant state of research. At the end of each shift we are exhausted from a day of seeking greater truths. Recently, for instance, we proved that if you drop five Mentos into a jug of Diet Coke in rapid succession it will, in fact, create an impressive geyser.
The truth can be messy, and we’re sorry about the Coke in the alley. But it was nothing compared to what got on our streets during the Biker Rally.
Anyway, last week our hunger for the truth led us to the City of Hollister Web site. On there, for anyone to see, even children, is a Wastewater Treatment Plant Web cam. The excitement never stops on the Wastewater Treatment Web cam. Well, actually, it does. It seems to be “unavailable due to maintenance” quite a bit. But when it’s running the whole family is in for a treat. Recently a staff member logged onto the Web cam and saw some action.
“There were a couple of guys walking around,” she said. “I think they were maintenance workers.”
This new development in mass media will change everything. There will be no need for television news or print media. Simply strap a Web cam onto all newborn offspring and we’ll have the world covered.
In the meantime, I have ideas. This is because I am an idea man. To further exploit the truth-as-it-happens, we need more Web cams. Here are local Web cams I’d like to see installed:
Tomato Cam: Few Hollister citizens have any idea what goes on in the canning factory. We only know that a couple of times a year we have to drive through tomato slop on local streets, and we think to ourselves “wouldn’t it be something if this happened during the Biker Rally?”
I say strap a Web cam on some tomatoes and we’ll find out what really goes on in that place. This will also serve a historical purpose. When the cannery is flattened for a new mall that will hopefully feature an In-N-Out Burger franchise, local children of the future can check this archive to see what it was like to be a tomato in Hollister.
Coyote Cam: The county has approved the hiring of two “wildlife experts” who will, uh, deal with pesky rural coyotes. I say put a Web cam on some coyotes so we can view the drama of rural life and death in real time. We can watch coyotes plot the overthrow of the livestock community, and watch their comeuppance when “wildlife experts” blow the heck out them, or poison them, or trap them.
Tourist cam: Through exhaustive research, the city of San Juan Bautista recently reached the conclusion that a lack of public toilet facilities has kept tourists away. No, really. This conclusion was reached. People stay away from the Mission City because they don’t know where to go.
A typical conversation, based on true facts regarding human hygiene, might possibly have gone like this:
ED: “Mildred, what say we get on a bus with a hundred people and walk around in San Juan and see those chickens they’re always talking about?”
MILDRED: “Let’s go to Hollister and get some Biker Rally T-shirts instead. There’s nowhere to go to the bathroom in the Mission City.”
I say strap Web cams on a busload of tourists and turn them loose in San Juan. Hilarity will ensue as they fan out from the mission and into the mean streets of downtown, searching for relief and reasonable prices on antiques.
Death cam: This one is more personal in nature. But it has drama, speed, and violence – things Americans cannot live without. It involves my cat. She is fairly agreeable when fed. But the other night I failed to put food in her dish before I went to bed. I paid for this transgression.
At approximately 5 a.m. I was awakened by the sound of crunching beneath me. I peered under the bed, where Audrey was chewing a gopher head, the skull crunching like a Wheat Thin. I extricated carcass and cat, threw them outside and, unable to sleep further, contemplated what my life had become.
So I say strap a Web cam on Audrey and don’t put food in her bowl at bedtime. Talk about tension, fear and excitement. The result would be “Hostel” or “Saw VI” without pretension of intelligence. We’re talking raw instinct. And, of course, blood and organ removal, more things Americans love in entertainment and news.
Well, that’s it for now. Seeking truth has been tiring. I had better take a state-mandated break, maybe eat some of these leftover Mentos with a cup of Diet Coke. We need to take breaks while we can, because once we are fitted with Web cams all of life will be On the Air.
As always, some Americans will respond well to the latest New Media Exposure, others will become fearful. And still others, such as Audrey, will chew skulls like no one’s business. Tonight, I’ll put food in her bowl.
