The world’s most
”
reliable
”
newspaper closes shop
Print journalism has been dying for some time, but I had no idea
how bleak the situation had become until making a trip to the
supermarket the other day.
The world’s most “reliable” newspaper closes shop
Print journalism has been dying for some time, but I had no idea how bleak the situation had become until making a trip to the supermarket the other day.
Like most Americans, I get my news from “Entertainment Tonight,” “Shark Week,” “Sports Center” and “Jeopardy.” But to keep current on world news and to bolster my well-roundedness of character, I like to pick up something at the supermarket cash register.
This week, it wasn’t there. I placed my food for the week – a bag of pancake mix, a pint of Ben&Jerry’s “Half Baked,” and three packs of gum – on the check-out conveyer and reached for a copy of “Weekly World News.” It wasn’t there.
I have since learned that “Weekly World News” will cease to publish. No one seems to know if an online edition will remain. “The World’s Only Reliable Newspaper” is no longer paper. I can only assume the world’s other great newspapers – “The Washington Post” and “Hollister Free Lance” come to mind immediately – will be next.
Americans no longer read. There is no need for it. We get everything we need on our iPhones. Paper has become the asbestos of our cultural soul. Old newspapers fester in the garage like mold. Children aren’t buying the mantra that “no rainforest trees were cleared to print this sudoku puzzle.”
So I should have seen this coming. Just like I should have predicted trouble for Britney Lohan. Instead, I thought things might work out between Britney and her alcohol and drug consumption. I was wrong to hope.
The loss of “Weekly World News” will be felt globally. It will create a knowledge deficit. “Weekly World” broke many of the greatest news stories of our time. It reported that the Garden of Eden had been found, “People as small as ants found,” and that our founding fathers were gay.
It was the “Weekly World News” that let us know “Lincoln was insane,” a space alien supported Bush for president, and that Mother Nature endorsed Al Gore for president.
The paper reassured us during times of crisis. When potentially disturbing stories emerged, the paper always provided useful information. For instance, when “Weekly World” reported that the Angel of Death was about to visit earth and “claim millions!,” it also provided information on “how to tell if you are on the list.”
It did not back away from stories that might upset people. “Why Moses Wandered in the Desert for 40 Years: He Lost His Map” was said to have alarmed the White House, although not as much as the news that Dick Cheney is a robot.
But it wasn’t all doom and gloom at the “Weekly World News.” There were writers like Ed Anger who, in his “My America” column, provided much-needed insight into aspects of our culture that annoyed him. There were comics like “SpyCat” to cheer us and weekly photos of women wearing bikinis.
And there was Bat Boy, one of the century’s greatest scientific discoveries. A 1992 edition announced “Bat Child Found in Cave.” He was a “half –bat, half-boy superhero.” He became more popular than Ed Asner.
Americans followed the life and times of Bat Boy as though he were Britney Lohan’s bartender. They cheered when he “chased the war and terror,” and gasped when he bit Santa Claus.
Like other Americans, I am concerned we will lose contact with Bat Boy and he will end up like one of the Culkin brothers. Hopefully he will resurface on “Hollywood Squares.” We need Bat Boy. Maybe he can be appointed Grand Marshall of the Hollister Motorcycle Rally.
The loss of the “Weekly World News” will be colossal. Printed in comforting black and white, it helped us make sense of our world. Since its inception in 1979, it inspired generations of cub reporters and fledgling journalists. Now, we can count on Elvis sightings going unreported and a reticence of aliens to endorse politicians.
Goodbye “Weekly World News.” I will miss “The World’s Only Reliable Newspaper.” I don’t know what I’ll pick up at the supermarket cash register.
And Bat Boy, please try not to bite Al Gore or Britney Lohan.
