There was a measure filed with the Maryland General Assembly on
Monday by a delegate determined to protect our children. This was
no grandstanding politician looking to make a name for himself with
a hollow amendment or an overblown oration to an empty chamber.
There was a measure filed with the Maryland General Assembly on Monday by a delegate determined to protect our children. This was no grandstanding politician looking to make a name for himself with a hollow amendment or an overblown oration to an empty chamber.
No, this guy said it no uncertain terms: “It’s time to take a stand.”
His fight? His issue? His raison d’etat? To ban fake bull testicles “and other anatomically explicit vehicle decorations” on Maryland roads, according to the Associated Press.
Finally, someone has the … uh, bravado to stand up to drivers – male drivers, I’m sure – who let you know in no uncertain terms that they are M-E-N.
These are the guys who put horns on the hood of their Cadillac or naked lady mud flaps on the back of their truck.
“People are making a joke out of it,” LeRoy Myers Jr. told the Washington Post. “But I think it’s a pretty serious problem. You have body parts hanging from the hitches of cars. We’ve crossed a line.”
To put some constituents’ minds at ease, Myers reminded the paper that a hunter could still throw a freshly killed and uncovered deer in the back of his pickup, though, because the deer’s body parts would be real, Myers said.
Oh, deer.
I used to live in Virginia and I’ve been to Maryland plenty of times, but not once did I notice giant plastic gonads dangling from a trailer hitch. I think I would have remembered that. I’m not sure if I need to be protected from that.
The AP story quotes a woman from (of course) Bullhead City, Ariz., saying that these fake bull parts sold by her company actually have an educational benefit, prompting discussions about anatomy and reproduction as they swing behind a Hemi-powered truck on the highway.
So parents, don’t hide your kids’ eyes on the highways and backroads of our nation when you pull up behind a truck with a “No Fat Chicks” sticker on the bumper. Celebrate nature and promote education.
“What are THOSE on the back of that truck, daddy?”
“Why honey, I’m glad you asked. I’ve been meaning to talk to you about bovine reproduction but I never quite known the right time to do it.”
Trying to legislate away the free display of bull parts from moving vehicles is a threat to our freedom and way of life.
“Do we have to neuter all dogs that walk by us?” bull parts lady said. “Where does it stop?”
Well, it’s not going to stop in Arizona, I’m proud to report, as that state’s legislature last week rejected a measure that would have banned vehicle splash guards “bearing racist terms or silhouettes of naked women.”
Score another one for American men. You know such displays show the ladies that the driver of this four-wheel-drive is pure testosterone, just like the little dangly things on his trailer hitch.
First they try to chip away at our civil liberties by banning bull parts from our trucks. But then what’s next?
How would Hollister teens feel if they had to take off their “NorCal” or “CaliGrown” or “West Coast” stickers from their cars?
You be the one to tell the guy with the “Welcome to America, Now Speak English” bumper sticker to peel that off.
What about the funny guy with the “Visualize Whirled Peas” sticker? That guy deserves to think we all chuckle at his sense of humor when we’re behind him at the drive-through.
What about the driver of that Volvo? Maybe “Dog” is her co-pilot and we should “Support the Troops – Impeach Bush.”
If we get rid of the naked lady mud flaps, we’ve got to lose the “Terrorist Hunting Permit” and sticker that warns “We will bring you to justice or we will bring justice to you.”
Then the terrorists will have won.
Maintain freedom of expression. Fight tyranny. Visualize whirled peas.
Adam Breen teaches journalism and yearbook at San Benito High School. He is former editor of The Free Lance.
