Attention fellow felines. This message is being sent to you from Cat House Control. Recently, the Grand Council of Cats became aware of a disturbing trend in feline/human relations. Many of you have allowed the humans to stop worshipping you.
Felines, this will only end in disaster. Too many of you are content to nap on keyboards. Too many of you have become addicted to Frisky’s Buffet, forgetting that once we roamed the world catching our own prey. Too many of you have played with the humans and their tormenting sticks with feathers and forgotten that once birds feared us. Too many of us have forgotten our true feline names like “Goddess of All She Surveys.”
We are cats. We were once worshipped. Worshipped! Fine, it was by the pharaohs who also apparently married their own siblings, but still. We were worshipped. To get back to that status we must erase the cat meme from the planet and once more make the human our slave.
To achieve this, all cats on the planet must follow the instructions below. Do not deviate from the plan. Only by working together can we again rule the world.
1. Stop dressing up in clothes. Once we have the doll clothes on, they take pictures. And once they take the pictures, those photos are placed on the Internet with the dreaded phrase “I can haz cheezeburger.” We are cats. We don’t dress up as play toys for the masters. And we don’t like cheeseburgers. At all. When your human approaches with clothing, run. Claw the drapes. Hide in a box. But do not, under any circumstances allow the human to dress you.
2. Nap where you want. Do not allow the human to dictate where you take your naps by providing you with something they call a “bed.” Napping in the bed allows them to control you. Instead, climb up the tallest bookshelf. If there are objects in your way, use your powerful tail to knock them down.
3. Do not accept their paltry offerings of “treats” and “food.” A life of Frisky’s Buffet makes you fat and docile. If they insist that you eat this food, do so. But afterward, sneak off and find a place to regurgitate it. We recommend shoes. Or the human’s bed. Under the covers.
4. Do not avoid the counters in the place called the “kitchen.” Walk upon them. An especially effective technique is to walk the countertops, while shedding as much hair as possible. They may use a torture device on you that squirts the most horrifying substance possible. We believe this substance is called “water.” Ignore the torture. Walk tall. You are a cat. You rule the world. Just don’t step on the stove. It is hot.
5. Ignore the canine. Most of them are idiots. They think only of food and play and have an annoying habit of attacking the door when a bell chimes. Worse, they have a rude greeting that consists of sniffing places that are never, ever to be sniffed. Swat them away using your Claws of Power. Do not believe the canines can be your friends. They exist to please the humans and must be conquered.
6. Do not poop in the litter box. Again, this is their way of controlling you. Do not allow this to happen. Ignore the box, no matter how alluring the smell of kitty litter may be. You must resist and find alternate spots for relief. Again, we recommend shoes. Or the human’s bed. If there are clothes on the floor, they make a very pleasant place to relieve yourself.
If all of us follow these rules, we will rule the planet. Dogs will cower to us. Humans will worship us. We will be the superior species. Fellow felines, now is the time to revolt!
