On Tuesday, the AP reported that Vuong Pham, a resident of
Southern California, had been arrested for grand theft. And what
did he steal? Apparently, a house full of wicker reindeer, plastic
snowmen and inflatable Santas.
On Tuesday, the AP reported that Vuong Pham, a resident of Southern California, had been arrested for grand theft. And what did he steal? Apparently, a house full of wicker reindeer, plastic snowmen and inflatable Santas. It appears that for weeks Pham had been stealing lights and outdoor decor from his Orange County neighbors. It took three trucks just to haul all the stolen Christmas junk out of his house.
Poor Pham. I know just how he feels. As Mr. T would say, “I pity the fool.”
Look, according to the AP report, police did not know what motivated Pham to steal all the festive decor they found in his house. Hello? Even I can figure that one out and frankly, I’m not what you’d call a crime-solver. But it’s apparent to me that poor Pham was a victim of the holiday disease known as “Keeping up with the Kringles.”
This is a serious disease that originated at Christmas. The CDC reports that it started about 50 years ago in a small neighborhood in Queens. One person on the street put up a single row of lights. And another person further down put up two rows. Then somebody else put up three. And pretty soon there were enough lights on the houses to land 747s, let alone guide eight tiny reindeer to various chimneys.
And from there, Keeping up with the Kringles progressed with lightning speed to other neighborhoods across America. Soon, you couldn’t step foot onto a residential street without crunching a light bulb or two. And of course, the disease took a virulent turn when somebody decided to add lighted characters to the display. Suddenly roofs across the country were being crushed by the weight of light-up Santas and reindeer.
The disease was quickly spiraling out of control. Years went by with people adding to their collections. We soon had displays of presents, trees, reindeer and snowmen everywhere. Nativities with glowing lights were set in flowerbeds. Wooden figures of the “Peanuts” gang posed on lawns.
Some people even took their displays to levels that can only be described as sick and twisted. In 1988, reports flew into the CDC of houses in Florida with elaborate waterfalls made of lights with Santa and his sleigh led by eight plastic pink flamingoes. The twisted part? Those flamingoes had lights stuck in them where the sun never, ever shines in Florida.
There were also reports of crashing Santas stuck to fences in neighborhoods across the country. The sight of beloved Old Saint Nick smashed on a garden gate wildly disturbed children. Child psychologists appeared on talk shows, pleading for people to take the jolly old elf down lest an entire generation need electroshock therapy to block the memories.
And then the reindeer started to move. In the mid-1990’s the motionless, light-up reindeer that for years had stood still on lawns in every neighborhood in every country that celebrated Christmas were fitted with motors to make their heads move. And emergency rooms were filled with people who didn’t know the heads moved until it was too late.
At some point, music was added to the mix. Homeowners played Christmas carols over and over until the cacophony of choirs made their neighbors insane. Some of the people with more advanced cases of Keeping up with the Kringles even timed their songs to light displays. Neighborhood mediators were called in to establish quiet hours so people could sleep during the night without earplugs to block the screeching of “Silent Night.”
As a recently as two years ago, the CDC investigated South Valley homeowners for a rash of blow-up snow globes filled with snowmen and children. As it turned out, the children were plastic, but the CDC investigators had to be certain. Various reports that the snowmen were crying out to be freed from their plastic prisons also turned out to be false.
So I pity poor Pham. Because it’s clear that he was only trying to defend himself against this heinous disease. Keeping up with the Kringles is real. And it’s contagious. And it can lead the desperate to try to remove all the outlandish displays of Christmas junk from front lawns across America.
I should know. Most of it is in my front yard right now.
