Dear Santa,
Hi, it’s me, Kirby the dog. I know that normally dogs don’t write you to ask for presents, but honestly? I’m no ordinary dog. And I’ve been really, really good this year, unlike my friend, No-no Lulu who is quite the bad dog. Like “barks-at-all-the-neighbors” bad. And “brings-dead-frogs-into-the-house-and-leaves-them-on-the-floor-so-the-female-human-will-scream-when-she-sees-them” bad. Honestly, Santa, I could go on and on about how bad No-no Lulu acts.
Anyway, Santa, this year I want something really special. Not the rawhide treats you usually leave me. For one thing, the vet says I’m allergic to them. They make my ears itch. Also? No-no Lulu always steals them. And she thinks she’s so smart by hiding them in the chair. And then you know what happens? I get in trouble for trying to scratch them out of the chair. Totally unfair. It’s not like I was trying to rip the chair, I was trying to get my fair share of the treats.
Speaking of treats, I have been very good about staying on my diet this year, even though I don’t like it one bit. But the vet says I’m chubby. Hello? I’m not chubby. I’m fluffy. It’s good to be a fluffy dog. I’m cuddly and warm. I’m not like No-no Lulu who eats everything in the house, including slippers, and is still skinny.
And believe me, Santa, the only reason No-no Lulu is skinny is because she spends most of her time running back and forth in the yard, barking at every single car that passes by. And every single person that passes by. And every single dog … well, you get the gist of it Santa. I don’t bark at them. Well, OK. That’s probably not true. I bark at them too, but only to make No-no Lulu feel better. See? Even when I’m bad, I’m good.
I also think No-no Lulu is skinny because she doesn’t take the time to lick the kids we encounter on our walks. No, she’s too busy trying to avoid contact with people outside our pack, so she misses all the good stuff. Seriously, Santa, kids have the most lickable faces. They never use napkins and they are always eating, so there are some really good leftovers on their faces. And the bonus is, they love to be licked by dogs. It’s a win-win as far as I’m concerned. The kids get clean faces and I get a snack.
Again? I’m totally the good dog.
Oh, and speaking of slippers, Santa, I never, ever touch a slipper. I might sniff them once in a while, but I do not touch them. No-no Lulu takes every single one, eats the back of them and then lays on them like a pillow. And she eats them while sitting on the good couch, which is strictly forbidden. I mean, sometimes I sit on the good couch too, but it’s not because I’m bad. It’s because I don’t want No-no Lulu to have low self-esteem since she’s always getting into trouble.
I’m generous that way, Santa.
Oh, and I don’t beg at the table. The reason I stand on my hind legs and twirl around is because I’m entertaining the humans while they eat. It’s like dinner and a show, Santa. It’s not begging. And yes, sometimes when I think they aren’t paying enough attention to my graceful dance moves, I might make some noise. But that’s music. I’m really just an entertainer, not a beggar. Honestly, I cannot understand why the humans don’t like me to dance and sing for them.
Strangely, No-no Lulu doesn’t beg. But I think this is because she’s really tall and she can get stuff off the counters. Once, she got us some good, juicy steaks right after they came off the barbecue. And another time, we had burgers before they got put on the barbecue. But one morning she opened the box of dental chews and ate 25 of them and then threw up green goop for two whole days. Worst of all, I didn’t get one of them. Not one.
Anyway, Santa, as you can see, I’m always a good dog. So this year what I’d really like is to get is a pretty tutu to wear while I beg, er, entertain at dinner. And if you’d like, please bring No-no Lulu a slipper she can chew. Truth is, she’s not the best dog on earth, but she’s my friend and everybody deserves a little something at Christmas.
Love, Kirby
