Congratulations, all you college graduates! Well done! You
worked hard and you finally made it. You entered the academic world
straight out of high school. You were totally prepared to handle
college life. You attended class, aced, er
… passed exams and graduated in four, um … six years and now you
are ready to rock.
Congratulations, all you college graduates! Well done! You worked hard and you finally made it. You entered the academic world straight out of high school. You were totally prepared to handle college life. You attended class, aced, er … passed exams and graduated in four, um … six years and now you are ready to rock.
That’s right! All this after a shaky start to your freshman year when you learned that staying out all night made staying awake in class the next day a wee bit dicey. When, after a particularly nasty frat party involving boatloads of beer, you arrived back at your abode only to fall flat on your face because your evil roommate had inconveniently placed large objects in your path such as carpet pile.
And now is when you learn about that most awesome time of life called “paying your own way.” And if you think I’m kidding, ask your parents. That’s right, grads, and it is with a warm, glowing feeling that I recall the conversation I had with Daughter No. 1 a few years ago upon her own college graduation:
Daughter: “So as soon as I find a job, I start buying my own clothes, right?”
Me: “Correct.”
Daughter: “And who pays for things like car repairs?”
Me: “That would be you.”
Daughter: “Food and rent?”
Me. “You again.”
Daughter: “Well, how about stupid stuff like car insurance?”
Me: “Bingo! All yours.”
Parents, I recommend you have this important conversation with your graduate as soon as possible since this quickly takes the gleam off that newly won college diploma. But give them a little time. Once they learn they have to surrender the Bank of Dad’s credit card, your graduate may take on a glassy-eyed stare that can last for weeks. And then it’s down to business: finding that all-important job, which a college degree ensures will magically appear immediately after commencement, right? Well, maybe not.
Yes, college grads, the job situation is a little bleak right now. I know, First Lady Michelle Obama has been out there making heart-felt commencement speeches containing such uplifting, positive phrases as, “You are more than ready to assume the mantle of leadership.” “Dream big, think broadly about your life.” Mrs. Obama says you should have “no excuses” for failure because “your own future is in your hands.” “This is just the beginning,” declared Mrs. Obama to graduating seniors, “and there’s not a company in the world that will hire you.”
OK, I’m just kidding about that last part, graduates, but with the economy and the resulting job market being what it is, the Class of 2009 needs to get creative. No more waltzing into the lobby of a Fortune 500 company and being welcomed with open arms. It’s time to expand your boundaries and think outside the box.
For example: you could apply for the job of fortune cookie writer. With approximately 40 fortune cookie manufacturers in the U.S. your chances of winning a spot on one of these crack writing teams appear excellent. And perhaps you, like Donald Lau of Wonton Food, Inc. of Long Island City, will write such truly inspirational fortunes as “Beware of odors from unfamiliar sources.”
How would you like to be an ocularist? Don’t know what that is? Their talent is painting artificial eyes. And if you think your friends would laugh at your becoming a crack filler, remind them that your work involves repairing deterioration on monuments such as Mount Rushmore using silicone sealants.
Or perhaps a position as breath odor evaluator is for you. Rating bad breath on a 1-10 scale, evaluators rate coffee-breathing souls before and after using an odor-reducing product like mouthwash or gum. Really into icky smells? All those nasty gym socks leaving fond memories? Then flatulence smell-reduction underwear maker may be right up your alley. Yes, underwear makers are busy producing underwear with various filters designed to reduce the remnants of, well … there’s no other way to say it: “bad human gas.” Of course a lump of charcoal dumped into the back of one’s boxers might have the desired effect, and remember: you heard it here first.
So if you choose to leave behind those traditional doctor/lawyer/nurse jobs and instead become a golf ball diver, potato chip inspector, porta-potty servicer or an irritable-bowl-syndrome test subject, remember this: be great at what you do. Because around the corner, lining up to grab your dream job should you blow it, are thousands more job-seeking college grads ready to mystery shop, give blood, watch porn or crack safes.
That’s right, Class of 2009: You are the leaders of the future. In the words of the First Lady: “We need your ideas, graduates. We need your resourcefulness. We need your inventiveness.” And, speaking for all us baby boomers: We need your social security contributions!
