‘Babel’ steals my idea and wins my heart
This year’s early Oscar front-runner,
”
Babel,
”
stole my screenplay. It uses the old
”
butterfly effect
”
routine while mine centers around former Tres Pinos Assemblyman
Peter Frusetta and his famous lesbian heifers. My script asks if
one of Pete’s lesbian heifers breaks wind in San Benito County,
will it cause a gay caballero in Mexico to go straight?
‘Babel’ steals my idea and wins my heart
This year’s early Oscar front-runner, “Babel,” stole my screenplay. It uses the old “butterfly effect” routine while mine centers around former Tres Pinos Assemblyman Peter Frusetta and his famous lesbian heifers. My script asks if one of Pete’s lesbian heifers breaks wind in San Benito County, will it cause a gay caballero in Mexico to go straight?
Mexican director Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, like he did with his gems “Amores Perros” and “21 Grams,” takes the most common stories and elevates man far beyond what even the gods intended. It is not just his story telling, but his cinematographer Rodrigo Prieto who performs miracles with scenes you have seen a hundred times but with a new sense of realism that will make you gasp. Gasp much like the first time I saw Tempest Storm at the burlesque house dance the Dance of the Seven Veils, but luckily for the audience she had only six. Aye chee waa waa.
Brad Pitt can really act when he isn’t wallowing in polluted oceans. Oceans like “Ocean 11.” Unfortunately for Pitt, the director did not give him a few more scenes like George Clooney received in last year’s inferior “Syriana,” which guaranteed him an Oscar. Inarritu never plays for commercial success or awards but it bothered me that with just a few more minutes, Pitt, Cate Blanchett and Gael Garcia Bernal would be shoo-ins for Oscar nominations. Fortunately Adriana Barraza who plays the housekeeper used her limited screen time to surely be the “upset” win at the Oscars. Barraza will leave you gasping for your life and she is not built like Tempest Storm but a storm tempest. A storm tempest who luckily for the audience had all seven veils.
Saw Snoop Dog cruising Hollywood Boulevard last week. As Snoop waved back at us from his classic convertible painted in beautiful Laker colors I remembered the first time I saw him. A dozen of Los Angeles’ less-than-timid law enforcement officers had stopped him. He was accused of having all kinds of weapons and unlicensed bodyguards with weapons. So what was he stopped for last week? A baton. Is that a baton in your pocket Snoop, or are you just glad to see me?
As I expected the first letter I received after my return to The Pinnacle was from that little old blue-haired lady in K Mart sneakers. “Mr. Venzykulu, did you drink all of your retirement money? Why else would you write for The Pinnacle again?”
Yeah. Like the pay I get from The Pinnacle would put a dent in my bar tab. No, I didn’t drink up my retirement money. I drank up Nancy’s. I lost mine in what I thought was a money-making idea. I opened up a chain of John Kerry charm schools.
I still have a lump in my throat over hearing the news of the death of one of my favorite actors, Academy Award-winner Volodymir Ivanovich Palahniuk. I first saw him in a 1950 thriller when I was a very impressionable kid. In the film he had the plague and looked as one critic later wrote, as though he could play Frankenstein without the makeup. Same thing many a lady has told me, even at “last call.” Three years later I see him again in a film and he frightens me even worse as he was the first bad man in a Western who really acted like he would shoot your dog and howl with glee. I was used to Roy Rogers and Gene Autry Westerns where the most a bad guy would do is twirl his moustache and try to kiss the farmer’s daughter’s schnauzer.
Volodymir was so good at being a bad guy he won three Academy Award nominations, including one for “Shane.” Shane come back Shane, or better yet, come back Volodymir Ivanovich Palahniuk, better known as Jack Palance. Ironically, he won the Oscar for a comedy.
Warren Beatty and wife Annette Bening walked right past us last week on Hollywood Boulevard as they took a wrong turn on their way to her star ceremony in front of the legendary Grauman’s Chinese Theater. Annette and Warren are class acts and unlike so many who receive their stars you can tell they don’t buy any of the hype. Bening will probably be nominated again this year for “Running With Scissors,” but she should have won the Oscar for “Open Range,” a Western no one saw but me and Gary Cherry. The other thing Hollister resident Gary and I have in common is that we married the most beautiful women in the world, and the smartest, too. They married us. “Open Range” also stars Kevin Costner and Robert Duvall with both at their best. Do yourself a favor and rent it.
After listening to Bening and Beatty we walked the short half block to Shelly’s for lunch where I told you last week you could find me sitting in Clint Eastwood’s chair. So can you, as they filmed a scene for his Oscar-winning “Million Dollar Baby” with Hillary Swank in the little sandwich stop we have visited since 1971 when we lived in San Francisco and would vacation in Hollywood.
Last week, my 1950s typewriter’s nut behind the keys dropped a line about former Hollister resident Teresa Wright. Not only did she call home after her first movie to say “and oh yes, I was nominated for an Oscar,” ditto her second movie, but also nominated for her third. Not only that, she holds a piece of trivia as one of only a few actors to have been nominated for Best Actress and Best Supporting Actress in the same year.
Next week is turkey week and my favorite week of the year because I get to list all the “turkeys” of the film year. Mr. Paxton, would you hold three or four pages for me?
Bob Valenzuela wrote a political column and entertainment column for The Pinnacle and owned and operated a video store in Hollister for many years. He now lives in Hollywood. And the rest is history.
