I have covered a lot of boxing in my day and let me tell you,
this is getting bigger than Frazier vs. Ali. The Leonard-Hagler
match? Ho-hum.
We better get Don King on the good foot to Hollister. Maybe he
should bring Bob Arum along as well.
I have covered a lot of boxing in my day and let me tell you, this is getting bigger than Frazier vs. Ali. The Leonard-Hagler match? Ho-hum.
We better get Don King on the good foot to Hollister. Maybe he should bring Bob Arum along as well.
Locally, Big Ken Crowe of area pro wrestling fame might have to referee this donnybrook.
What’s up? Is George Foreman in our quiet hamlet, downing burgers at Johnny’s? Has Lennox Lewis been spotted arm wrestling the lads at Whiskey Creek? Is Evander Holyfield in for some additional ear surgery at Hazel Hawkins Hospital? Was that really Mike Tyson poking his head out of the county jail luxury suite?
Nah. Ladies and Gentlemen, the Hollister Free Lance, the undisputed king of newspapers, proudly presents John Sarsfield versus Arthur Cantu.
Let’s get ready to rumble, or maybe rumba, in this case. Now I wasn’t here for the recent election, which pitted these two legal eagles against each other in the race for District Attorney.
But from what I understand there was enough mud-slinging and back-room tactics to make someone from Chicago downright proud.
I’m truly sorry I missed it. Maybe it will be on ESPN Classic one of these nights.
I do know this. Sarsfield won the race and has an office just down the street from the Free Lance in the building across from Eight-Ball Bail Bonds. Oh yeah, it’s called the County Courthouse. The name escaped me, so to speak, for a second.
Cantu’s office is even closer, literally a stone’s throw across the alley from where I hang my hat each morning. Not that I would throw a stone over the alley. It might get caught in the wind and sail through an open window into the City Council chambers, possibly waking someone up.
Or the errant projectile, heaven forbid, might fly into Dale Shaddox’s office and knock the hardest working man in show business out cold, which would shut down the entire city of Hollister for days, similar to the East Coast blackout.
Anyway, I’m getting off the main topic. It’s very difficult for me to concentrate on a Friday morning when Happy Hour is just 9 hours, 38 minutes and 20 seconds away.
Sarsfield has been viciously attacked time and again on our Opinion page. Some of the letters have even been signed!
This has made Sarsfield and his pals suspect Cantu and his cronies of being behind the zingers.
Hey, just because Cantu was allegedly spotted dropping off a large sack of letters at the post office wearing a Groucho Marx face doesn’t prove anything to me.
Sarsfield reportedly took it a step further and had one of his assistants disguised as a tree by the mailbox in front of the courthouse to watch for any suspicious Citizens Voice letters.
As a professional journalist, I have to ask for a halt to this unprofessional behavior. I have met both John and Art and they are great, wonderful and fantastic guys.
Here’s why: As the DA, maybe John would cut me some slack just in case I was, uh, in the wrong place at the wrong time, if you know what I mean.
Art, on the other hand, might lower his defense rate just in case I was, well, in the wrong place at the wrong time, if you know what I mean. Or maybe he would hold one of my personal checks for a few years.
Hey, in Chicago you just make sure the judge gets paid, a much more streamlined process. But I realize that California has a long way to go to catch up to the Windy City when it comes to an efficient judicial system.
Anyway, I’m sorry to report that I have no answer to the really big question, despite hours of staring at the bar mirror in deep, analytical thought.
The theory I was pondering: Who would win a fistfight between the two? Let’s handicap it. They’re both about the same age and height, so reach wouldn’t be much of a factor.
Art seems to be in pretty good shape, so he might have a decent left jab. But I bet ol’ John is a scrapper, perhaps with a solid uppercut. I would declare it even money if I was back in Las Vegas.
Maybe the two will agree to duke it out for charity. It could even be one of those caged, no-holds-barred Ultimate fighting deals. They could even legally hit each other with their briefcases in the ring.
The Hollister Free Lance, your undisputed king of newspapers, would gladly sponsor the event, which could be telecast on CMAP, as well as HBO and Showtime.
Sarsfield vs. Cantu. Get your tickets now.
Let’s just hope that it doesn’t end up as a “No-Contest.”
