Wow, is God mad at Florida or what? I mean, geeze, what did
Florida ever do to the world? Well, OK, besides that. God can’t be
holding a grudge for nearly four years, can she?
Wow, is God mad at Florida or what? I mean, geeze, what did Florida ever do to the world? Well, OK, besides that. God can’t be holding a grudge for nearly four years, can she?
I love watching CNN when hurricanes slam into the gulf coast. It never fails, the anchors in Atlanta and New York leave the ties and their nice, dry studios to stand at a 45-degree angle and scream into a microphone as a hurricane bears down on them.
Atlanta: “Bill, can you hear me Bill?”
Bill: “YES, AND I CAN TELL YOU THAT THE WIND IS BLOWING REALLY HARD RIGHT NOW!”
Atlanta: “Well, yeah Bill, you’re standing in the middle of a hurricane.”
Bill: “THAT’S RIGHT. AND NOW IN ADDITION TO THE WIND BLOWING REALLY, REALLY HARD, IT’S STARTING TO RAIN NOW!”
Atlanta: “Thank you for that update Bill, now out to Santa Clara County in California where a land developer has discovered a need to help local Native American tribes from all over the world become prosperous land barons.”
So we’ve heard about the new-improved-revised Sargent Ranch project, the one that property owner Wayne Pierce is trying for again. The guy comes back seemingly every two years with a new plan to turn those beautiful rolling hills south of Gilroy into New Jersey. More like Manhattan with the trinkets he’s tossing at a sort-of local Indian tribe.
Actually, it’s a “splinter” of the local Amah Mutsuns. I’m not sure what that means. I’ve always thought of splinters as those things you get in your fingers.
Indeed, Pierce has discovered a calling to become a kindred spirit with the great Amah Mutsun Splinter tribe. The tribe’s ancient motto is, loosely translated, “Yes, we may be painful and inflamed Splinter, and only a couple of years old, but we thought of this first.” Now granted, my Ohlone is a little rusty.
Now the fact that another local tribe from the other side of California wants to build a casino an arrow’s flight away from the Sargent Ranch site is pure coincidence. In fact, Wayne and the Amah Mutsun Splinters want to convert 3,500 acres – a third of Gilroy – into a reservation so they can build a cultural center. Oh, and a little commercial development, too. Like 3,000 of the 3,500 acres. But I have news for Wayne and the Splinters (Remember them? A great punk band.).
I hearby establish the Buzzard Gulch Cherokee Splinter Nation and claim rights to the Sargent Ranch under terms of the treaty signed with the Bureau of United Limited Liabilities (BULL).My father’s mother was half Cherokee, and was moved to Kentucky when she married my grandfather, and while her son didn’t venture to California until the late 1930s, my tribe’s claim to the land is every bit as earnest as Wayne’s and the Splinters.
My people’s splinter happened like this: My grandmother splintered a son in Kentucky, who splintered a son in California, who moved to the Bay Area and splintered a son and a daughter and now lives a splinter’s width away from Sargent Ranch.
All those splinters add up to a two-by-four. And everyone knows, he who has the two-by-fours owns the rights to Sargent Ranch. Irrefutable evidence.
Now, I’m not greedy. But I will need some of that land, and, well, since I’m a Cherokee Splinter, my cultural center will be modest. Actually, it will comprise an aluminum shed behind the casino … er, I meant to say, behind the future “commercial development.” Wayne and the Splinters say a casino on the development would be so, un-Indian like, so they will pass.
Well not me, Bobo. I have every intention of building a brand new “commercial development” with hundreds of machines that locals can use to donate money to my Splinter tribe … 24 hours a day, seven days a week. We’ll never sleep.
My grandmother’s people went to sleep once and they woke up in Oklahoma. Oh, and don’t you know there will be entertainment. I plan to build the world’s largest topless bar – Buzzard Gulch Go-Go Bar & BBQ Ribs, where the racks are hefty and the sauce is spicy.
So while Wayne and the Splinters promise to build only “commercial developments,” I’ll bring you the real deal: Harrah’s and Hooters for as far as the eye can see. Oh, and don’t forget to drop some change in the cultural center collection plate on the way out.
