This column is brought to you by…..

This is Joe Devil with Bob Busburger welcoming you to tonight’s
baseball game between the Jets and the Sharks, at Officer Krumpke
Park located on the West Side of town. This should be quite a story
for you today, folks.
This is Joe Devil with Bob Busburger welcoming you to tonight’s baseball game between the Jets and the Sharks, at Officer Krumpke Park located on the West Side of town. This should be quite a story for you today, folks.

But before we get to tonight’s starting lineups brought to you by the Open Sesame Greeting Card Company, let’s hear from our reporter in the stands, Mervyn Schwartzkopf. If you think that name’s funny, you ought to see what it was before he changed it.

Mervyn? Well, er, we’re having technical difficulties connecting with Merv. We’ll get back to him in a second. Now, our Applesneeze starting lineups.

But first, let’s take a look at the Miracle Whip out-of-town scoreboard, brought to you by Miracle Whip. When you need a Miracle down the stretch, pull out the whip and use it. It worked in the Kentucky Derby, didn’t it?

Folks, I can almost taste those Tastee Chops starting lineups, but we’ll have to get those to you later because we’re ready to go. In fact, I just heard veteran home plate umpire Mel Crawfish holler, ‘Batter up!’ That means it’s time for today’s Batter Up moment, sponsored by Perform. Men, have you had trouble with your performance on the field lately? Then call 1-800-P-ERFORM and you’ll be a new man in no time.

First pitch to the first batter – Teijoto Samurai from Japan – is fouled off into the stands.”

Busberger interrupts:

“Joe, that foul ball means it’s time for a Billy Jo Glass Repair foul ball break. When a baseball smashes your car window, call Billy Joe Glass Repair at 1-800-B-REAKIT. Remember, accidents do happen. Back to you, Joe.”

“Thank you, Bob. Next pitch to Samurai is a called strike two. That makes the count 0-2 and Samurai is really in a hole now. That means it’s time for a timeout with the Patriot Lending Company. Friends, whenever you get yourself in a financial hole, don’t be afraid to call 1-800-P-ATRIOT and they’ll listen to your needs. They’ll consolidate your debts at only 30 per cent interest. Besides, it’s the patriotic thing to do.

Next pitch to Samarai is hit deep to left field. That’s got a chance. It’s out of here for a home run. And folks, that’s our Blast Off Drive-of-the-Game. Whenever you want to blast off in your vehicle, don’t be afraid to put a stick of dynamite in the gas tank. Man, will you blast off! But, remember kids, as Hall of Famer Willie Mays once warned about playing with blasting caps, don’t you try this at home.

So the Sharks lead 1-0 on Samurai’s home run. And Bob, that gives Samurai 67 home runs on the season, which leads the league, doesn’t it?”

“That’s right, Joe. Which means it’s time for our league leaders Power Ball numbers, sponsored by the state lottery commission. The winning numbers predicted for next Saturday’s lottery are 3, 5, 21, 25, 35 and the mega number is 15. Remember folks, this is only a prediction and the state lottery is not responsible for you playing these numbers.”

“Now back to the game. I think we’ve caught up with Merv now and he’s found the man in the left field bleachers who caught Samurai’s league-leading home run ball.”

“That’s right, Joe. The ball bounced off the cement in front of the bleachers and hit this Jets fan right in the face. He has a broken nose and is bleeding profusely, but he’s real happy because he still has possession of the ball, even if he doesn’t have possession of his senses.”

“Thanks, Merv. Why don’t we make that our Mary of Magdalene Medical Minute, brought to you by Mary of Magdalene Hospital. Folks, whenever you feel your body falling apart, visit Mary of Magdalene Hospital and you’ll be ship-shape in no time.

And that’s the third out of the inning. We’ll be right back for the bottom half of the first with the Jets coming to back, but first a word from our sponsor – Spare Tire, Inc.

Men, do you ever want to get rid of that spare tire? No, not the one that poses of your stomach. I’m talking about that little, bitty spare tire they give you in the newer cars nowadays that you can only ride for about 10 miles on. They’re pretty worthless, aren’t they? Well, now you can take them to Spare Tire, Inc. and they’ll give you $10 bucks cold cash for them. That’s about a buck a mile. What more could you ask for?

Now back to the game. Here’s the Jets’ leadoff man Alberto Juanajuopo from Mexico. Watch out, he’s quite a bunter and has blazing speed. There’s the bunt and it’s a beauty. He’ll beat that out easily as the Jets fans go wild.”

“You know what that means, Joe? It means it’s time for Speed Demon play-of-the-game, sponsored by Speed Demon Oil Changer. I don’t know about you, Joe, but I always take my car down to Speed Demon and get my oil changed. I barely have time to down that free cup of coffee they give me before the job is done. Thank god, they don’t give out free doughnuts.”

“Bob, you said it. Which reminds me, folks. Don’t miss out on this week’s special offered by Jelly Belly Doughnuts. But two for the price of three. But hurry, this offer is too good to last.

Folks, the umpiring crew is out to inspect Sharks pitcher Gary “The Greaser” Groan. He’s notorious for putting foreign substances on the ball and they’re out frisking “The Greaser” on g.p. They look like they found a tube of vaseline in his pocket, which means Groan is out of here. He has been ejected. Boy, that was quick. And listen to these Sharks fans, who came all the way from across town, groan.”

“Joe, that means it’s time for the Eject Safety Blades spot. Men and women can enjoy Eject Safety Blades, the safest razor blades in the universe. I’ve only cut myself five times in the past four weeks and that’s not bad.”

“Thanks for sharing, Bob. Now that we have a break in the game while the Sharks summon a new pitcher into the game, let’s return to the Sloppy Sam’s out-of-town scoreboard for some important scores. Washington 50, Sacramento 6. Dakota 7, Scranton 0.”

“Thanks, Joe. Wait a second. That’s my job.”

“Sorry, Bob. We’ve had so many commercials that I got confused. At any rate, the rain is really starting to come down and here is the grounds crew out to cover the field. And with the rain delay, it means it’s time for Universal Umbrellas, the umbrella you should never leave home without. Universal Umbrellas, only $70 a ‘brella. Remember those Brock-a-brellas, named afer Hall of Famer Lou Brock, Bob?”

“Those were a flash-in-the-pan, Joe, like you were when you broadcasted a couple of decades ago with the Giants.”

“Well, you were no angel in your younger days, Bob. Folks, unfortunately this game has been called due to rain, a little late as far as “The Greaser” is concerned. All the numbers and stats from this game are also washed out, which means it’s time once again for some more Power Ball numbers, sponsored by the state lottery office. Here are the predicted winning numbers from next Saturday’s lottery – 6, 7, 41, 18, 9 and mega number of 13. Remember, folks. These are only predictions and not sure things. For as you all know, there are no such things as sure things.”

“Which reminds me, Joe, it’s time for a final word from Inevitable Mortuary. Folks……….”