It’s the holidays and for most of us that means food. Weird food. Oh, fine, turkey, ham, even green bean casserole aren’t that weird. But there are some things we consume around the holidays that frankly make me question the taste buds of people in the South Valley and all over America.
Egg nog: Let’s be honest here. If someone came up to you and said, “Please try this delicious drink flavored with eggs, cream and spices that is the consistency of baby vomit,” would you drink it? No, no you would not. You would very politely stick with your vintage bottle of Jones’ ham-flavored soda. But you would not touch the glass of viscous stuff called eggnog. And yet we all drink it. We love it. What is wrong with us? Wait. Maybe it’s the bourbon.
Cranberry sauce from a can: Yes, there is something weird about it. It’s the shape of a can. And it tastes remarkably like a can. And strangely, once you taste real cranberry sauce, you can still go back to eating the canned stuff. In fact some people (and by “some people,” I clearly mean me) prefer canned.
Anything covered in chocolate, especially white chocolate: Nothing says the holidays like coating perfectly good food in chocolate. We have chocolate covered Oreos. Chocolate covered Pringles. Chocolate covered bacon. Basically if it is in the kitchen and doesn’t move, we cover it in chocolate and call it a holiday treat.
Fruitcake: OK, most of us don’t really eat this, but it’s the holidays. What would a list of holiday food be without a fruitcake on it? Anyway, it is a recorded fact (in my brain at least) that the last fruitcake in America was baked in the South Valley in 1932. Since then, the same fruitcake has circumnavigated the globe approximately 197 times and been shoved into a bazillion freezers. It has never been eaten. Because fruitcakes are gross. Instead, like Santa, it lives in a frozen place and only appears at Christmas.
Mincemeat pie: There’s no meat in this pie. None. I know this for a fact. I’ve checked. Instead there is a bunch of dried up fruit and nuts. Honestly, there is more actual meat in a hot dog. Maybe. Anyway, if we are being accurate here, this should be renamed “Minced Fruit and Nuts Pie.”
Candy canes: On their own, candy canes are delicious little sticks of sugar that make your breath smell yummy for approximately one nanosecond. But could we stick with that? Could we just live with candy canes tasting like candy canes? Oh, heck no. That’s why we have pickle flavored candy canes. And bacon flavored candy canes.
Buche de Noel: Because nothing says “Happy Holidays” like eating a cake shaped like a log. And of course, it’s covered in chocolate. Basically, this is a giant Little Debby Swiss Roll that takes approximately 42 man-hours to create and 5.3 seconds to gobble up for dessert. Worth it? I think not. I mean, you could stack up 100 Swiss Rolls and still get the same effect.
Jell-O salad: You know you will eat Jell-O salad. Or at least you will push it around on your plate until you can surreptitiously drop it into your napkin and/or the dog’s mouth. Please. Jell-O is not meant to be a salad. Vegetables and fruit-flavored gelatin are not a flavor combination anyone should enjoy. And have you ever eaten the one with the grapes in it? It’s like eating Jell-O with eyeballs. Disgusting. The only thing that should be added to Jell-O is vodka. But not at the holidays. Because nobody wants to see Great Aunt Edna get her groove back. Or find out why she lost it in the first place.
No matter what holiday you celebrate—or don’t celebrate—please be responsible. Don’t re-gift any fruitcakes. Don’t sneak vodka into the Jell-O. And don’t go looking in a mincemeat pie for meat. Seriously. It’s not there.
