When you write a column there are times when you just can’t find
an interesting subject to inspire your creativity; it’s called
writer’s block. That’s not the case lately; there is so much going
on these days that writers of every stripe have been blessed with
an excess of riches.
When you write a column there are times when you just can’t find an interesting subject to inspire your creativity; it’s called writer’s block. That’s not the case lately; there is so much going on these days that writers of every stripe have been blessed with an excess of riches.
It’s like going to an imaginary restaurant that features an infinite menu; it reminds me of the tagline from Arlo Guthrie, “You can get anything you want at Alice’s Restaurant.” I’m sitting at the table when the waiter comes by to take my order.
“Good evening, sir, my name is Alphonse and I’d like to tell you about today’s specials. For an appetizer, we have the Lousy Economy prepared with either the California Budget or the Federal Bailout. That comes complete with incompetent leadership, spendthrift bankers, tax cheating politicians, sleeping bureaucrats, consumer liar’s loans and a side order of our special subprime toxic mortgage waste.”
“If you’re interested in lighter fare we have the Sports Section featuring Bong ala Michael Phelps, a nice fresh A-Rod Special Steroid Salad (guaranteed to improve your batting average 20 points) or Bonds-Clemens Body Building Ingestibles on toast because they never use a needle. Another item is Plaxico Burris Nine Millimeter Sweatpants Stew. The chef believes that the best sports teams in the nation are likely to be playing in the federal penitentiary next year, so he recommends you partake of these delicacies before they disappear from the menu.”
“From our Social Commentary Section, you have a choice of an Unemployed Multiple Birth Single Mother Soup sprinkled with Octuplets or Battling Celebrity Goulash. The first is prepared with ever-changing stories about who, what, where, when and why and served hot by a fertility doctor. The second involves someone named Chris Brown allegedly biting and hitting someone named Rihanna. The origin of this recipe is unknown, but it makes all the papers all the time.”
“Perhaps you’d be interested in some local dishes? We have Unreported Campaign Contributions au gratin; this spicy offering involves a member of the county board of supervisors, developers, lawyers, the campaign finance reporting laws and money. We think of this as a complete meal. Another favorite is a generous portion of Failure To Coordinate tartar. It consists of a well-intentioned raw program like a multi-agency anti-gang coordinator and we age it and age it. When it’s finally ready, many months after you order and need it, we fail to add an essential ingredient like the participation and support of the San Benito High School District Board. This makes in completely unsatisfying, but it still looks good on the plate.
Our house specialty a prix fixe or table d’hôte called, It’s Not My Fault. This is a complete three-course meal (no requests for deviations please). For the first course you may chose to blame The Previous Administration, The Previous Board of Supervisors or the Previous City Council.
You may not blame anyone currently in office. The entree is, We’re Doing The Best We Can and the dessert is, The Situation Is Unusual. The cost is $9.7 trillion and we cannot guarantee that the meal will fill you up or provide any satisfaction. Just trust us; we have your best interests at heart. Have we ever lied to you before?
