A guide to Halloween costume identification
There are few things more embarrassing than welcoming a
trick-or-treater to your porch and realizing you don’t know what
you are looking at.
A guide to Halloween costume identification
There are few things more embarrassing than welcoming a trick-or-treater to your porch and realizing you don’t know what you are looking at.
“What a great costume!” You say. “What are you? Wait, I know, you’re a CalTrans worker!”
“I’m a pirate,” says the kid.
“Oh, well, of course you are,” you say. “A Pirate wearing Nike sweats, an orange vest, and a hardhat. Here, have another handful of candy. And here’s another handful for your father over there. He looks very angry with me.”
By the end of the night you’ve insulted much of the neighborhood. There was the Little Mermaid you thought was a manatee; the Charles Manson you thought was Dan Rather; the San Jose Sharks left wing you thought was a security guard; the Hannah Montana you thought was Meryl Streep; the Ellen DeGeneres you thought was an animal control officer; the dragon you thought was an earthworm. And so forth.
By the end of the night you’ve ingested 23 peanut butter cups and 78 root beer barrels. You’re like those squirrels on Hwy. 25 who attack your tires as you speed past – something makes them do it. By the end of the night you are beaten. You are jacked up on peanut butter cups and want to start in on the holiday season with a quart of eggnog.
This year, there will be fresh, up-to-date costumes certain to trip us up. I’m here to help ward off embarrassment. Using only the latest scientific methods, I have pieced together intelligence regarding new costumes to be worn by children in San Benito County. Merely cut this guide out, pin it to your door frame, and refer to it when an unidentifiable costume shows up at your door.
You are certain to see the following costumes in San Benito County on Halloween:
-Zombie realtors. These undead home sellers will be easy to spot: they will approach your door in a wobbly, unsteady fashion, their shoulders will be slumped and they will stare at the ground. Nothing will amuse them.
Instead of saying “Trick or treat,” these undead realtors will mumble “there is no market slump. We’re on the rebound. The media is to blame. Jumbo loans are as safe as credit cards.”
Out of pity, you will be tempted to give these characters more candy. Don’t do it. Remember when they were fat, driving a new Lexus every year, and said things like “Shopping at Macy’s is simply so distasteful.”
Instead, give them a coconut Dum Dum pop. Dum Dum pops are now the size of molecules. They induce humility.
-Britney-Barry. The Spears-Bonds costumes will be easy to spot, just look for children with enormous shaved heads and an angry outlook on life. Don’t give these trick-or-treaters alcohol or memorabilia, and do not allow them to drive your children anywhere. People in these costumes will be extremely unlikable.
Give children in Britney or Barry costumes candy, immunity from prosecution, or rehab wristbands.
-City public works employees. Kids in these costumes will have leaf blowers, chainsaws, and unemployment benefits. When the City of Hollister’s latest sales tax-increase measure fails – voters will go to the polls six hours after they receive a $478 monthly sewage bill for a family of one – these city employees will go the way of the Hollister Meter Maid.
Give these people candy and emotional support. If you have tree limbs that require removal, hire them to do it.
This should give you a headstart. Other new Halloween costumes to be aware of are bloggers, PlayStations, iPods, middle-aged bikers, Bob Valenzuelas, celebrity DUI arrestees, Invisible Man Oakland Raiders, melting global icecaps, Tony Soprano, and shirtless Colorado Rockies’ fans in need of medical care.
And remember, do not identify a trick-or-treater as a goblin, ghost, warlock, ninja reptile or amphibian, member of the Grateful Dead, John Wayne, Scarlet O’Hara, book, or record, cassette tape, or CD. Children will have no idea what these things are or what you are talking about, and may become sullen and withdrawn.
You should now be prepared for a successful Halloween. Good luck. And remember, that may not be a costume, it may be a cry for help. Don’t guess Ghandi if it could be Dick Cheney. Sometimes the best strategy is to hand over a Dum Dum pop and say “nice costume, kid.”
