There’s a little old lady following me
Still laughing at last week’s column when the little old
blue-haired lady suggested I was in the witness protection program.
Great disguise. Remember my mug shot over my column when I was
still living in Hollister? Fast forward to today’s column and my
mug.
There’s a little old lady following me
Still laughing at last week’s column when the little old blue-haired lady suggested I was in the witness protection program. Great disguise. Remember my mug shot over my column when I was still living in Hollister? Fast forward to today’s column and my mug. Still old, short, fat, bald and charm free. Oh, I see, it’s the sunglasses that confuse the little old blue-haired lady. It’s just that I now live in Hollywood where sunglasses are regulation or I’m trying out for the sequel: “Ray Charles: the Too Many Sweet Potato Pie Years.”
If you have seen “American Gangster” with Denzel Washington hope you said “hi” to him for me. Ten minutes into the film Denzel has a casual good natured meeting with an old-time Mafioso played by that great character actor Jon Polito. Polito is explaining that the reason the Mafia was so successful as opposed to the more flamboyant black gangs was that “more important than any one man’s life is order.” Polito is a great character actor because he blends in and could be anyone. Four years ago we were at a Walk of Fame ceremony when a suit walked up to Jon and told him “please move those speakers out of the way” as though he were the maintenance man. Jon smiled and we all laughed as he moved the speakers and asked the suit “is this good enough?” The brass nodded yes, we all applauded and Jon took a bow.
I love to read educational journals as I love scouring old libraries for information that make me the intelligencia that I are. Just read that there are almost a million words in the English language but only one word has three consecutive double letters. Double letters back-to-back, back-to-back, back-to-back. The word according to my scholarly journal is “bookkeeper.” Wait a minute: I just read that off the box of Cracker Jacks that I just polished off. Heck, I remember the good old days when Cracker Jack boxes had real prizes in every box. I once found a bicycle in one. Now all you get are factoid mini-booklets with garbage like only one word has three consecutive double letters. And yes, I did get a bicycle in a Cracker Jack box. Just ask Jerry Muenzer at Muenzer’s Bike and Sporting Goods. His dad asked why I didn’t buy my new bike from them. I don’t make this stuff up. Aye chee waa waa.
Saw Erik Estrada at his Walk of Fame star ceremony on Hollywood Boulevard. He asked me if Joanne Machado of Hollister remembered that memorable day their paths crossed in Carmel. Erik asked me not to say a word to Gordon. Aye chee waa waa, Erik Estrada and Hollister’s Joanne Machado. No wonder she has the great smile.
By the way, Erik is like a God here as he does a lot of humanitarian work. Plus the cops just love him and it seems every policeman in Hollywood was at his star ceremony. The Highway Patrol brought in a lot of their vintage patrol cars and I could almost see Broderick Crawford from the old Highway Patrol series with his fedora shouting into the car radio “10-4.” At the last Hollywood Christmas parade Estrada received the biggest applause because while most of us know him from “CHiPs” the Latinos know him from a hit telenovela. What I liked about him is that he didn’t take himself too seriously. He threatened us by saying if we didn’t applaud his prepared speech he would recite his spiel for those horrible buy land in Alabama ads.
Love those ads for Tide and other liquid detergents that now they are two times as concentrated, thus saving plastic and the cost of shipping less liquid as though they were saving the world so as to be politically correct. Hell, when I was a kid they concentrated it so much it didn’t need the costly weight of water mixed with soap in environmentally unfriendly plastic. It was called soap. Soap in a box. What a concept.
Oops, I almost forgot. Last week I promised the little old blue-haired lady that I would finally comment on those top 10 San Benito County salaries and that it would shock most. Quite frankly the salaries are just fine except for the district attorney’s which is almost criminally low. The San Benito County district attorney is paid the same as the county clerk. No reflection on the county clerk, especially Joe Paul Gonzalez who is worth every penny, but the county clerk making the same salary as the district attorney? You can’t even compare Joe Paul’s legs to Candice Hooper’s and oh yeah, educational requirements either. Doesn’t the San Benito County D.A. need at least a couple years’ junior college? Aye chee waa waa.
Every year I remind you that frozen turkeys are actually “fresher” tasting than costly fresh birds. Finally this year the scientific community is joining the taste testers and have all kinds of real scientific facts to support my claims. I mean real science and not from turkeys like Al Gore who quite frankly should lay off the dressing this year. I’ll spot Gore the No Ball Award over the presidency. Aye chee waa waa.
