I do not understand the Elf on the Shelf.
Maybe it’s because my son is older and the elf never visited our home, something for which I will be forever thankful. Because I find the idea of an elf that flies into my home on Thanksgiving and stays until Christmas to observe my family and report back on us to Santa to be a bit weird. And creepy. Actually, I find him to be a lot creepy if you want to know the truth.
Also? In adult life, we refer to someone like that as either a stalker or the NSA guy who listens to our phone calls. I’m just saying.
Anyway, many, many parents will find themselves hosting an Elf on the Shelf this year. And those parents have my deepest sympathy. Because truthfully, the Elf wouldn’t be so bad if all he did was fly in every morning, watch the family a bit, then fly out at night to report back to Santa on who has been naughty or nice.
Oh, who am I kidding? That would still be creepy.
Sadly, though, there are some elves that have gone rogue. You’ve seen these elves. They are elves that are bored. The monotony of shelf sitting, watching kids day in and day out has boggled their little elf brains. They grace the pages of Pinterest. They are featured in Facebook feeds of parents throughout the South Valley. They are the Elves on the freaking Shelves that are the bane of the holidays. And even
Santa can’t control them.
Some of these elves have gone bad. Very bad. And nobody knows why. Maybe the kids in their home are actually good. Or maybe they want to do something, anything, other than get home at night and spend the rest of their evening spying on Daddy snoring, the kids sleeping or Mommy up watching “Real Housewives of the North Pole,” while wrapping presents and drinking a bit of Christmas cheer that only mommies over 21 can consume.
No matter what the reason, these elves take their, um, observations a bit too far. They’ve been known to pop up in the bathroom—where frankly nobody should be observing anyone, unless there is potty training involved. But one morning, a parent walks in, bleary-eyed and there is the elf, sitting on the lid, grinning from ear-to-ear as mommy screams.
Some of them are merry little pranksters, toilet papering Christmas trees or, alternatively, wrapping toilets in Christmas paper. They leave chocolate chips everywhere after a chocolate chip war with what I can only assume is another prankster elf. And what I can only assume are chocolate chips. They draw mustaches on family photos. They steal GI Joe’s jeep and drive around the house until they crash into a reindeer.
Other elves are grossly inappropriate, taking Barbie out for dates and doing unspeakable things to her, then posting the pictures online. Let’s just say that your retinas will burn if you Google “Barbie and Elf in marshmallow Jacuzzi.” Don’t say you haven’t been warned.
And of course, you always have the one-up elves. These are the elves that aren’t content to just sit on a shelf for a month and observe the kids, but they haven’t quite gone bad, either. These elves report to Santa then spent the rest of the night constructing zip lines from the mantle to the tree. They bake hundreds of cookies and then hide in the cookie jar, ready to attack anyone who reaches in for an oatmeal-raisin snack before breakfast. These elves knit scarves. They make sleds out of crackers and candy canes and slide down the banister.
These are the elves that every mom secretly hates because these elves make ordinary elves look like slackers.
So if you have an Elf on the Shelf, just be sure not to bore him. Because once that happens, and he’s loose in the house with an entire collection of LEGOs, there’s no telling what kind of trouble can happen.
