Welcome to back-to-school – or as I like to call it, “Let’s see how fast we can spend every penny in the checking account.” Oh sure, there is a lot of excitement about summer ending – the house will stay clean for longer than five minutes and food may actually remain in the fridge until well after 2:05 p.m. (for those of you unfamiliar with the teenage species, 2:05 p.m. is their version of the crack of dawn).
But along with the joy of sending your children off for seven hours a day to be someone else’s problem – I mean, to learn to read and write – is the dreaded back-to-school shopping.
Luckily, I am a licensed, professional shopper (not really, but don’t tell my husband). Anyway, over the years I have learned one or two things about back-to-school. OK, three things. And now I am passing them on to you.
No. 1: Do not buy one item of clothing until the day after school starts.
Oh, yes, I know. You are so excited. And so is your child. And the mall is so much fun and the sales are so tempting. So you go. You take your child. And you shop until both of you have to be revived with Venti Mocha Frappacino IVs. But you are so happy that it’s finished. And your child is so happy with the shoes and socks and dresses and pants and shirts and even underwear! And it’s all new, new, new. And that child beams with joy.
Until the second day of school. Then it’s not what every other child is wearing.
No. 2: Forget about courtesy.
Yes, I know this was drilled into you as a child. And trust me, it normally is very gracious of you to allow your fellow shopper to enter the aisle before you – but don’t do it. I speak from experience here. That woman just slightly ahead of you who is shopping all by herself? She’s by herself for a reason. She didn’t want to take seven kids with her to Target.
And in her purse she has a school supply list that is longer than “War and Peace.” She will methodically go down the aisle taking every single pen, pencil and ruler and tossing them into her basket, leaving you to follow a trail of empty hangers with signs that read, “Need a rain check?”
No. No, you do not need a rain check. You need to get down that aisle before she does. And trust me, after she’s decimated the pens and pencils, she moves on to the binders and backpacks. And you do not want to see the devastation she can leave in those aisles.
No. 3: Get everything on the supply list.
Yes, I know that many times items on the supply list can seem really specific, right down to the color or size or brand. And to a parent, this can seem kind of petty and unimportant. But teachers have been making supply lists since the caveman days, when little Ugg would ride the big mastodon home from his first day of school with a list that asked for 20 rectangular stone tablets, not to exceed 8.5 x 11. They know what they need. If they ask for skinny crayons, get them. You don’t want your child to be the only kid in first grade with fat crayons. Trust me. Children are brutal.
Sadly, these are the only words of advice I have for you. back-to-school shopping is not for the faint of heart and even we professionals are scared to do it. But you’ll survive. Go forth and conquer that school supply list. Just don’t try to get ahead of me in the pen aisle. I am ruthless.
