It occurred to me recently that we are just way too tense. Take
for example the other day. I was stopped at a red light behind a
lady who was making wild gestures at an unseen entity.
It occurred to me recently that we are just way too tense. Take for example the other day. I was stopped at a red light behind a lady who was making wild gestures at an unseen entity. When the light changed to green and the aforementioned lady failed to move for what I deemed a reasonable amount of time, I gave her the teeniest tap of my horn just to remind her that behind her was a line approximately 7.87 miles in length of other vehicles wishing to proceed within the two nanoseconds allotted for the green light. Well. The look she gave me via her rearview mirror practically screamed, “Can’t you see I’m ON THE PHONE??!!!”
OK, never mind we have new laws about using cell phones while driving. I mean, what is the world coming to when people get annoyed at drivers who choose to multi-task on our highways? No wonder we’re stressed!
Undoubtedly much of our anxiety has been caused by an election preceded by the longest campaign in the history of the universe. Not to mention the stock market has gone bipolar, it’s a whole two months before the new administration takes over the White House, and the holidays are seriously upon us.
So let’s gather up all our stresses and fears and do what the self-help gurus advise: let’s meditate. Yes, I have personally tried this and, OK, I’m not saying I was very good at it but taking control of our minds may be our only hope. And in an effort to prevent you from making the same tragic mistakes I made while meditating, I will give you a heads up about the possible dangers you may encounter as you venture into some light meditation.
First, don’t over think meditation. Yes, I know this practice involves the mind but there’s a fine line here. The goal is to “un-clutter” the brain. And while I haven’t exactly succeeded in un-cluttering my house, I’m hoping it works in reverse. You’d think an un-cluttered mind would result in an un-cluttered house, right? Well, you’d think.
So when I took a cruise a few years ago I signed up for a meditation class to relax and de-clutter. Now our ocean voyage boasted a “Meditation Master” who was very serious about getting us to relax despite the storm of the century that was raging around the ship. “Feel all that Neptune energy!” he gushed as a dozen of us sleepy would-be meditators gathered on deck at 6 a.m. for our first session. Actually I missed the Neptune energy thing because I was busy worrying that his eyeballs would pop completely out of his head and go rolling about on the heaving deck. I mean, I have never seen anyone who could open their eyes that wide although his condition could’ve been the result of the string bikini worn by the little sea nymph arriving late to class.
Things didn’t improve when we were directed to sit on the deck in the “lotus” position. Not wanting to alarm my fellow meditators by assuming a pose that would require heavy machinery to get out of, I improvised a sort of “dying lotus” attitude, skooched myself behind a large deck beam and tried to remain out of sight.
“Imagine you are sitting by a peacefully flowing river,” intoned the master calmly. (Hello – does he not notice the 10-foot waves pounding into us, covering me in so much sea spray that I may soon need a snorkeling mask?) “Now imagine you are holding a beauuuuuutiful flower,” he proceeded serenely, his voice blown away by the sound of the battering wind and waves. “I want you to put aaaallllllllllll of your stress into that flower and fling it away into the river, letting the current carry away your troubles …”
Whoa, Nellie – let’s back up here. What kind of flower? He didn’t say. OK, I like roses. Oops – no good. Grabbing the stem of a rose can cause some serious hurt from those prickly thorns. How about a puffy dandelion? Nothing sharp there, right? Wait; how are you supposed to fling one of those fluffy things? It’d land like two inches from where I tossed it – it wouldn’t even come close to the river. Something heavier. How about …
“Now breathe in deeeeeeeply … ” No – wait a minute. I haven’t thrown my flower. I haven’t even decided on a flower. How can I breathe deeply if I have to figure out … ?
Well, you can see what I was up against. So I wish you more luck with your meditation than I had with mine. But who knows – maybe I CAN master my own mind. Although Lord knows I have yet to master the circumference of my hips.
