I resolve not to find a cure for cancer
I never thought I’d see the year 2009, but then again, I never
envisioned, in my younger days, that I would actually be almost 50
years old. It’s hard to imagine such things until they are upon
you.
And so, as I always do this time of the year, I look back on the
past 12 months and think about how I’d like to improve my life:
things I could be doing better, bad habits I should break, new
goals to achieve.
I resolve not to find a cure for cancer
I never thought I’d see the year 2009, but then again, I never envisioned, in my younger days, that I would actually be almost 50 years old. It’s hard to imagine such things until they are upon you.
And so, as I always do this time of the year, I look back on the past 12 months and think about how I’d like to improve my life: things I could be doing better, bad habits I should break, new goals to achieve.
I have a few New Year’s resolutions that I’ve made, and in order to make sure I achieve them, I’m sharing them with you.
Resolution No. 1: I will not kiss David Hasselhoff. You know, David is a secret admirer of mine. He’s hinted around that he’d like a big smackeroo, or at the very least, a back rub. But honestly, he’s not my type, and I don’t want to lead him on. Even though he did look pretty cute in the red trunks on “Baywatch.”
So in 2009, no kisses for Hasselhoff. That’s a promise.
Resolution No. 2: No more extreme skateboarding. This is a really hard thing for me to give up, but the time has come to step aside and let some younger women grab some air on their boards. But I’m really going to miss all those broken bones and contusions. Not.
Resolution No. 3: No more trying out for “American Idol.” For one thing, I’ve long since passed the age limit, although last year I did manage to get in with the help of hair extensions, duct tape, and glitter nail polish.
But really, I can’t humiliate myself like that on national TV anymore. I’m just not the type they’re looking for. (I hear they’re looking for someone who can actually sing.) And frankly, one time around the insult block with Simon is quite enough for me.
Resolution No. 4: No more repeat readings of “War and Peace.” I’ve read it 37 times already and that’s sufficient for one lifetime, don’t you think?
Resolution No. 5: I’m giving up my Playboy modeling contract. Hef is begging me to stay, but I’m just tired of the whole scene in L.A., and besides, the Botox injections are starting to make my neck freeze up. You can only have so much plastic surgery before things start to fall off. Look at Michael Jackson.
So yes, Playboy will just have to do without me when it comes to its “Cougars of the Central Coast” pictorial.
Resolution No. 6: I’m swearing off puffer fish. For a while, I was in the habit of flying over to Tokyo every month or so and eating fugu, or puffer fish, just for kicks. Puffer fish is a delicacy, but it happens to contain a neurotoxin that will kill you if the fish isn’t prepared properly. Although it is something of a thrill to eat it without actually dying.
Still, as good as it is, I’m going to do without. Not being poisoned is a good thing.
Resolution No. 7: I’m going to have to stop making fake resolutions.
But admit it – aren’t they so much easier when you have no intention of keeping them?
