A time to mourn. A time to party.
For most parents, having their youngest leave the house for
college can be a life-altering change.
While the reaction varies, some parents grieve the loss of their
children. Others celebrate a time when they can pursue old career
goals. And some re-decorate the empty bedroom.
A time to mourn. A time to party.
For most parents, having their youngest leave the house for college can be a life-altering change.
While the reaction varies, some parents grieve the loss of their children. Others celebrate a time when they can pursue old career goals. And some re-decorate the empty bedroom.
Many parents felt these pangs in late August and September when universities started classes. Holiday vacation is a reprieve from the feeling of missing a child, but the feelings of the loss return when students go back to school.
These feelings are often referred to as “empty nest syndrome,” but Dr. Paula Ramos is wary of using the word “syndrome” to describe the change.
“The word syndrome makes it sound like there’s something wrong with you,” she said. “It’s more of a rite of passage. These parents have completed an important phase of life. It’s an incredible accomplishment.”
Changing careers
Rebecca Kraut knew her mother would experience a void when she left for the University of California at San Diego this year.
“I know my mom will miss me a lot,” Rebecca said. “My parents are not together and it’s just going to be my mom in this big house by herself.”
Rebecca’s leaving was hard also because she is the only child. Her mother Karen Covington tried not to think about the impending move to college.
“Things are going to be quite different,” Karen said. “Rebecca and I have been together for 18 years. I’m going to miss those ‘good-night moms’. I guess we’ll have to do them on the Internet or over the phone now.”
Both of Rebecca’s parents have been very involved in her life, going to most of her sporting events. Because of this, Karen said Rebecca is “a big chunk missing.”
Despite the sadness, Karen was thinking about pursuing another career after Rebecca left. Currently, she’s a manager at at a coffee and tea shop.
“I want to venture into something different, make some changes,” she said. “It’s like taking care of some of those things put aside.”
Finding new hobbies
Alicia Pagan’s mother had mixed feelings about seeing her youngest child move out of the house.
“I’m excited for her, but sad at the same time. Things will never be the same,” Becky Pagan said when her daughter packed to move.
Alicia has three older brothers, so Becky has experienced the feeling of moving the older kids out to college. Becky said the sadness is not as strong as the first or second time, but that it’s different losing a daughter.
“It’s not the same. We shared a lot of girl stuff,” she said.
Alicia agreed, saying that she knew her mom would miss her especially because they are so close. Even though Alicia is seven hours away at Humboldt State University, she said the school breaks are long enough to come home. She also took a car, making it easier to get home.
After Becky’s oldest son left, she said she experienced a bout of depression for a couple of weeks.
“It was strong. I realized that our little nest was never going to be the same,” Becky said.
Ramos said that people experiencing feelings of depression with such an adjustment should seek help when the depression impairs their daily functioning.
To keep her mind off the void, Becky planned on joining a gym.
“I’m doing it so I’ll have something to do,” she said. “I have to get out of the house and do things.”
Ramos said that many people, especially women, will need to seek help after their children leave the house. She said that the transition or adjustment can be a bad or good one, depending on how well the parents can cope with and adapt to change.
Ramos is a licensed psychologist who deals mostly with life transitional and women’s issues. She said the time period when a child leaves home is harder on most women than men because it can mean a loss of a role – the mother has spent a lot of her life raising her children.
“Sometimes, women have to give themselves permission to start to have a life – to pay attention to their own life,” Ramos said.
Back to the honeymoon
Even though Sarah Flowers misses Thomas, her youngest child, since he left for the University of California, Santa Barbara, she said she and her husband were looking forward to the time alone together.
“It’s something we’ve been looking forward to. One day, the children would be out of the house and it’d be the two of us again,” Sarah said.
With each of her three children leaving the house, Sarah said the feelings have differed. She said that she has different relationships with each son and that she misses different things about each of them.
Thomas is different than his brothers because he did a lot around the house, such as shopping and taking out the trash. Sarah said that she and her husband had to be sure that they knew where everything was before Thomas left. Thomas is also different from his brothers because he’s spent more individual time with his parents since he was the last to leave.
One household task Thomas helped his parents with before he left for UCSB was the conversion of his bedroom into a guestroom, Sarah said chuckling.
“I really don’t mind it too much,” Thomas said about being moved into another room before he left for college. “I’ll be a guest from now on. Where I live is changing now forever.”
Now that the last child has moved out, Thomas said his parents could focus more on themselves. He said his dad was thinking of changing careers, possibly from a computer programmer to a teacher.
Parents shouldn’t despair
Even though empty nest syndrome may still be alive as kids leave their parents for college and again after the holidays, there is a possibility that these kids will be returning in the near future.
A new term has started circulating describing college graduates who return home to live with their parents – “boomerang kids.” This may be a comfort to some parents who are having a hard time saying goodbye – because the goodbye might not be a long-term one.
While studies show that relations between parents and their children are improved during this time period, some parents see the return home as cutting into their “golden years” alone together.
This phenomenon is being spurred on by poor employment for college-educated youths and a shaky economy. According to research cited by the University of North Texas, 66 percent of kids ages 19 to 24 returned home after college in 2000. That percentage was 50 in 1980. Also, 17.5 percent of kids ages 25 to 34 were living with their parents in 2000, compared to 7 percent in 1980.
