Sex, kids and old age
The past few weeks newspapers have been running stories about
people older than me having sex. A study showed that Americans
beyond their 70s are having sex, and doing it in ways once believed
to be performed only by Brazilian people or Dean Martin.
Sex, kids and old age
The past few weeks newspapers have been running stories about people older than me having sex. A study showed that Americans beyond their 70s are having sex, and doing it in ways once believed to be performed only by Brazilian people or Dean Martin.
Now, it turns out that mature Americans have been getting it on all over the place. This news is both hopeful and disturbing. It’s nice to think that I might live to 70 even though I ate at Taco Bell a lot in my teens. And that upon clearing 70 I may still daydream of Carmela Soprano.
But as with all modern sex news, there is a disturbing downside. In this case, it’s senior pregnancy.Â
That’s right. It can happen. Mere days after the mature sex story broke, news arrived that a 90-year old man became a father. The headline said “World’s Oldest New Dad.” It was his 21st child.
 The man’s name is Nanu Ram Jogi, and he lives in India. I know what you’re thinking: “Well, that’s India, everyone there has 20 or 30 children. India provides spiritual advice and customer service for the entire world, you need a lot of people for that.”
Don’t fool yourself. This is the age of MySpace and YouTube. It will reach us. It can happen here. There are striking parallels between Nanu Ram Jogi and citizens of San Benito County.
For instance, the news article states that the new 90-year old dad attributes “his long life and productivity to eating lots of meat.”
“I eat all kinds of meat: rabbits, lamb, chicken and wild animals,” Jogi is quoted as saying. “Women love me.”
He is a farmer and lives near the woods. He thus has a constant supply of sex fuel. Sounds like a lot of people in San Benito County. It’s time we keep an eye on older people with guns who eat a lot of pot roast. This means most of our supervisors and city council members.
And Jogi has no plans of putting a halt to the birthing process.
“I can survive another few decades and want to have children till I am 100,” he is quoted as saying in The Times of London.
So by my calculation, our man Jogi may have 30 or 40 kids by the time he dies at 120. Of course, his current wife – who was married to his son, who died – is 50, so they may need some type of chemical or Biblical help. This might make a good reality TV show.
I also think Jogi is clearly an inspiration for bald, middle-aged men like me. I possess the characteristics required to become a mathematically confused 90-year old father:
– I live near the woods. Technically, I live in the “rural transition zone.” This means I live outside the urban center of Aromas. There are wild animals around, although most are dogs who bark when you are trying to sleep.
 – I eat meat. My cat brings me stuff she kills. This could help increase my intake of wild meat. Maybe we could work out a deal. She could forget the lizards and moles and concentrate on ducks or deer, and I would improve the quality of her hard food.
There are challenges, of course. I am not married. I have no plans to meet anyone and ask “say, how do you feel about having 15 kids and giving birth into your 50s?” Also, my kid’s college is covered, and footing the bill for 15 kids when I’m 110 doesn’t sound cost-effective. I’m hoping to take an Alaskan cruise right around that time.
But it’s good to know the possibility exists. And that my lifestyle lends itself to eating meat and having sex at age 110.
I thank modern science and the media for paying attention to aging people. I’ll get right on preparing for sex at 90. I’ll start with something meaty and cheesy from Taco Bell, and watch some Soprano reruns.
