It’s no big news that there is a lot in life to be thankful for.
Good friends and family and a nice home and all that. But I’m not
really talking about all of those. Nooo, I’m talking about the
things that are usually overlooked. The kinds of things that make
you want to yell,
”
Aaaaaaarghhhhhhh!
”
And then go break out the cheap cooking sherry. Oh, sure, it may
seem a bit far-fetched and crazy to be thankful for something that
drives you to drink, but, hey, so does the idea of me getting up at
five in the morning to put a turkey in the oven.
It’s no big news that there is a lot in life to be thankful for. Good friends and family and a nice home and all that. But I’m not really talking about all of those. Nooo, I’m talking about the things that are usually overlooked. The kinds of things that make you want to yell, “Aaaaaaarghhhhhhh!” And then go break out the cheap cooking sherry. Oh, sure, it may seem a bit far-fetched and crazy to be thankful for something that drives you to drink, but, hey, so does the idea of me getting up at five in the morning to put a turkey in the oven.
So in honor of the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday, I’ve compiled a list called, Some Things We Should Be Thankful For, But Probably Aren’t.
Jelly fingerprints on the fridge. Why? Because it means you have food to eat and somewhere to put it.
Your son begging for a pair of fifty dollar roller-blades. Because that means he can walk.
A messy playroom. Your kids have plenty of toys and friends to play with.
When your mom calls and tells you that you look too (pick one, or more) fat, thin, pale or tired. And when she lectures you how the kids should really be eating more fresh fruit or home cooked meals. And how you really shouldn’t a) vacuum the living room before dusting the furniture b) wear zebra-striped summer sandals, or c) store your extra rolls of wrapping paper inside the oven. Why on Earth could one be thankful…? Because that means your mom is still around.
Not knowing how to do your daughter’s math homework because that means she’s better at Algebra than you.
When you accidentally eat a whole chocolate raspberry cheesecake. It means you can start your diet tomorrow.
For finding cute shoes on sale because that means, hey, you found CUTE SHOES ON SALE.
When your husband comes home late from work after you had a day where you had to catch projectile spit-up with your hands, because that means he has a steady job.
When every time you go out for pizza you have to sit through a thirty minute family debate, entitled, “What Kind of Pizza Should We Get,” with key points such as, “Hey, you got what you wanted last time,” and “You can’t just pull off the pepperonis and call it a plain cheese pizza, you know,” and “I don’t care what Jimmy’s family does, M&M’s are not a topping choice.” This is a good thing because that means you have extra money to buy convenience food.
When your teenage daughter wears your new purple skirt. Because she’s emulating you.
For spending fifty dollars to go see a G-rated cartoon movie, because that means you have a family.
For feeling really, really stupid for spending fifty dollars for your family to see a movie because that means your mind still functions properly.
Having varicose veins. Because that means you have children.
When your kids ask questions like, “What if a flower was really a pretzel?” and “Why don’t snakes have feet?” and “If we were ants, how many steps would it take to get to the sandbox in the backyard?” Because that means they think you’re smart. So keep those questions coming.
When your kids fight over who gets the .02 centimeter bigger piece of chocolate cake because that means they’re able to stand up for themselves.
When you see a spider in the kitchen because that means it’s not lurking inside your favorite slippers.
And finally:
For warmed over Thanksgiving leftovers because that means, with a little luck and a bit of ingenuity, you won’t have to cook for at least a week. Maybe longer.
Debbie Farmer is a humorist and a mother holding down the fort in California, and the author of Don’t Put Lipstick on the Cat. She can be reached at www.familydaze.com, or by writing fa********@oa***************.com.
