Parents learn early on that kids like to learn how something
works by taking it apart (a.k.a. destroying it). Most of us take
that tendency into our adulthood; we learn how to build things by
breaking things. Unfortunately, it also applies to relationships.
We tend to learn how to build them by breaking them.
Parents learn early on that kids like to learn how something works by taking it apart (a.k.a. destroying it). Most of us take that tendency into our adulthood; we learn how to build things by breaking things. Unfortunately, it also applies to relationships. We tend to learn how to build them by breaking them.
Think back to your earliest relationships and you will realize that all along you have taken a trial and error approach. I can go all the way back to my first friend. We were sitting together in the sandbox and I thought to myself, “I think I’ll bite him to get his attention.” I quickly discovered that didn’t do much to build the friendship, so I went to plan B, the hugging approach. That worked better. And so it went; using trial and error, I learned what builds and destroys relationships. Let’s look at a few things I’ve learned along the way.
One of the things I learned early on was how destructive neglect can be. It’s not something we set out to do; it’s just a by-product of the busy pace of life. When we get in a time crunch, one of the earliest casualties are our relationships. We become like the plate-spinning guy on the old Ed Sullivan show, running from one pole to another trying desperately to keep all our relationships going, and even though our intentions are good, they start dropping.
Let’s contrast the love-destroyer of neglect with a love-builder, protection. 1 Corinthians 13:7 says, “Love always protects…” We are to protect rather than neglect. Far too many of us overestimate the strength of our relationships; we think we can ignore our loved ones over and over without serious consequences, but I can’t tell you how many times I’ve talked with spouses who are ready to end their marriage because they are tired of playing second fiddle to a job or a sport or television or a hobby or something else their mate values more than the relationship.
What the concept of protection comes down to in practical terms is protecting the time you spend with your loved ones. And if it means you have to schedule it into your Daytimer as a “must do” appointment, then get your pen out! Plan time with your children every day. Plan time with your friends regularly. And even if you’ve been married 20 years, set aside a “date night” with your mate every week. And if you are thinking, “I’m too busy,” just realize that in thinking that you are saying your other commitments are more important than the relationship. Is that really the choice you want to make?
Let’s look at another common destroyer – fault finding. One of the greatest dangers with this one is that those of us who are guilty of it often don’t even realize it. We’ve somehow convinced ourselves that our nitpicking is helpful, not harmful. Time to wake up and realize the danger. “If instead of showing love among yourselves you are always critical and catty, watch out! Beware of ruining each other” (Galatians 5:15).
Instead of fault finding, look for the best in people. 1 Corinthians 13:7 says, “Love always looks for the best…” Try this: Look for the best in others and when you have to give some constructive criticism, which is a part of any healthy relationship, use the 90/10 rule (90 percent of the ongoing communication should be positive encouragement). Some of us have those percentages reversed.
One more love-destroyer – dredging up the past. All relationships are going to have their share of conflict, so the need to be able to reconcile our differences and forgive one another is critical. A key component of that process is to make a commitment, not to bring up past mistakes after the reconciliation. Dredging up the past makes it obvious that the issue was never truly resolved.
Please hear me on this: To live under the shadow of a past mistake, knowing that the issue is never going to be laid to rest, just drains and destroys love. We would all do well to heed the words of Colossians 3:13, “Be gentle and ready to forgive; never hold grudges. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you.”
Instead of using the past as a club, do the opposite – offer hope. “Love always hopes…” (1 Corinthians 13:7). Love is all about helping people realize they can move out from under the shadow of the wrong they’ve done. What does it profit us to focus on our past failures or the failures of others? We need to learn from them and then move on. Conflict and failure are inevitable parts of all relationships. Wise men and women learn from them, seek reconciliation and then move on in a way that honors God and respects those we are in relationship with.
