It used to be kids could count on pajamas or maybe a sweater from Grandma. Now many grandparents hand out everything from bicycles to video games to computers.
It used to be kids could count on pajamas or maybe a sweater from Grandma. Now many grandparents hand out everything from bicycles to video games to computers.
That can be a boon or a frustration for parents, who, depending on the circumstances, appreciate the largesse or view it as extravagant.
Grandparents with less means may feel guilty, while others wonder what to get grandkids who already seem to have so many toys (and clothes and games and music).
Gift giving is “an issue for a lot of grandparents,” said Amy Goyer, coordinator of the AARP Grandparent Information Center. “They have angst over choosing the right gifts. They want to get grandkids the things they really want.”
Experts uniformly agree grandparents should coordinate gifts with their own children to avoid redundancy and respect parents’ boundaries. That can mean submitting to prohibitions on everything from BB guns to specific dolls to electronic toys.
Parents also may wish to buy sentimental gifts, such as a child’s first doll, or be disappointed if a grandparent’s pricey gift usurps Santa’s.
“If parents and grandparents don’t communicate, there will be a lot of inappropriate and useless gifts given and money wasted,” said Dr. Arthur Kornhaber, author of “The Grandparent Guide.”
Grandparents can explain their rationale, but “bottom line, if a parent says no, grandparents have to respect that,” Goyer said. “Grandparents usually don’t mean any harm – they just love their grandkids – but if they want to keep peace in the family, they need to talk to parents.”
Carol Kauppila teaches a class for new grandparents for Seattle’s Great Starts Birth and Family Education. When she hears gift complaints, it’s mainly about grandparents giving toys parents disapprove of or that aren’t age appropriate. Most toys have age recommendations for a reason, be it safety or required skills, she noted.
Jim Seiber of Sammamish, Wash., asks his daughter for gift ideas that will be helpful to her. “We ask what would fit in with what they’re doing so we don’t duplicate,” Seiber said. “He usually doesn’t need more toys.”
He admits to buying a tricycle when grandson Tyler was too young, but now it’s a favorite toy. “We try hard not to spoil him,” he said, “but we probably do to a certain extent.”
Some larger gifts, such as a rocking horse and plastic slide, stay at Seiber’s house, where he watches Tyler two days a week.
Janelle Durham, Great Starts’ director of education, suggests what her tween daughters Amelia and Izzy might like, rather than tell her parents what not to give. She forwards catalogs that carry the kinds of items she prefers to subtly set her expectations: quality over quantity.
She recommends art supplies – which get used up – “rather than more and more toys we don’t have room to store,” she said. Stuffed animals are verboten, since neither girl will part with them.
Reining in grandparents is often a lost cause, however. “Grandparents catch a spending virus when they have grandkids,” said Kornhaber, president of California-based The Foundation for Grandparenting. “They get an extra-special kick out of buying things for grandkids.”
Nearly 4 of 10 grandparents say their role is to spoil grandchildren, with a quarter agreeing it’s their job to give treats or special gifts to their average of six grandkids, an AARP survey found.
The country’s some 60 million grandparents spend an average $500 on grandkids each year, totaling more than $30 billion. About a quarter of grandparents in their 50s and 60s spend upwards of $750 a year on grandkids, the AARP says.
Market researcher NPD Funworld found grandparents accounted for 17 percent of traditional toy purchases but a larger chunk of high-end items such as battery-operated ride-on toys (a quarter of sales) and playground equipment (a third of sales).
More than a quarter of AARP respondents had bought a computer or software for grandkids in the previous year.
But grandparents also favor the basics, with clothing, books and toys their top picks for grandkid purchases.
Kauppila, who has a young granddaughter and grandson, eschews electronic-learning toys that involve pushing buttons instead of playing. “I’d rather a machine not teach my grandchildren their colors,” she said.
Several grandparents avoid vying with the other set of relatives. “Grandparents who don’t have the resources feel guilty they can’t afford as much,” said Kornhaber, a family therapist.
“My husband and I talked about it, and we made a conscious decision to try not to be competitive,” Kauppila said. Whether it’s about time or gift-giving, each grandparent does it in their own way. “But the temptation is always there,” she said.
The Kauppilas set a spending limit so their children work within that when suggesting grandkid gift ideas.
In Seiber’s case, Tyler’s other grandparents fly in for the holidays and can’t carry too much. “We work with their situation,” he said. “It’s an important consideration.”
Experienced grandparents say there’s one gift sure to be appreciated by all: a fun outing with grandparents (that’s also baby-sitting). “Baby-sitters are really expensive now,” Kauppila said. “I can hardly imagine how parents afford to get out.”
TIPS
Choose relevant gifts. Some grandkids welcome heirloom or legacy gifts, but “before spending hours on a handcrafted item, make sure it’s something your grandchild will use or appreciate,” notes Arthur Kornhaber in “The Grandparent Guide.”
Jim Seiber, a member of a Seattle camera club, created a picture book with his photos of his grandson’s favorites (horses, tractors).
– Ask grandkids. Many will have a wish list, but still check with parents in case they’ve already said “no” to an item, said the AARP’s Amy Goyer.
– Find a ritual. Call out-of-town grandparents when grandkids open gifts. Janelle Durham’s parents, who live in Wyoming, always send pajamas for their granddaughters to open Christmas Eve. “It helps them remember Grandma and Grandpa and feel more connection with them,” Durham said.
– Include stepgrandkids. Keep gifts mostly equal if children will open them together. Otherwise, the discrepancy between a large gift for a biological grandchild and a small one for a step-grandchild “sends them confusing messages about their self-worth and fans the competitive pressure between them, which the parents will have to deal with later,” notes Margery Fridstein in “Grandparenting: A Survival Guide.”
BEYOND TOYS
– Yearlong gifts: Magazine subscriptions; museum/zoo memberships; or movie, sporting or theater tickets.
– Family fun: Give one expensive, multi-age item such as a pingpong table or play structure.
– Hobbies: Provide materials to get kids started on a hobby, such as knitting or gardening. Stores also sell science or craft kits.
– Fun together: Give a certificate for a one-on-one special outing, or take the whole family on a weekend trip. Board or card games let grandparents play, too.
– Savings/college contributions: More than half of grandparents surveyed by the AARP reported spending money on grandchildren’s educational needs.
– Shopping: Sometimes gift cards are the best option, but then take grandkids out shopping, advises the AARP’s Amy Goyer. “Don’t leave it on parents as something they have to do later.” Have lunch and make it a fun outing.
