I am officially in the Christmas spirit, as evidenced by the
fact that I’m not changing the channel as I write this even though
Kenny Rogers is singing a holiday song.
I am officially in the Christmas spirit, as evidenced by the fact that I’m not changing the channel as I write this even though Kenny Rogers is singing a holiday song.
My home’s halls aren’t decked with boughs of holly, because I don’t know where to buy those, but the Santa and nutcracker collections are out and the Christmas lights are draining my wallet as I speak.
But I am wondering if I’m allowed to say that I am in the Christmas spirit. I don’t want to get sued or protested against or (gasp!) offend someone.
I read a story this week that a high school choir was asked to stop singing Christmas carols during an ice skating show featuring Olympic medalist Sasha Cohen, in case she might be offended because she is Jewish.
A police officer and a city staff member made the request in an effort to “be sensitive to the celebrity guest.” Unfortunately, they didn’t bother asking Cohen if she indeed was offended by that controversial tune, “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen.”
This country has officially gone crazy – or at least officially overly sensitive. Christmas isn’t meant to offend anyone. For Christians it’s a celebration of Christ’s birth. For many non-Christians, it’s a time to enjoy a vacation, visit with families, buy gifts, celebrate their own religious traditions, or listen to Kenny Rogers sing holiday songs.
We are getting so overly concerned about modifying traditions in order to make every single person happy that we’re all becoming Grinches.
What would happen to our classic holiday tunes if the politically-correct had their way?
“We Wish You a Merry Christmas” would become “We Wish You a Merry Holiday Shopping Season.”
“All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth” would have to become, “It Would Be Great If My Front Teeth Would Grow in So I Can Bite an Apple.”
“I’ll Have a Blue Christmas” would have to become “I’ll Have a Blue Late December. After All, It’s Cold.”
Are we going to have to stop donning our gay apparel when we “Deck The Halls”?
“Frosty The Snowman” appears safe, though I think it is offensive to characterize his movements as “thumpety-thump-thumping” over fields of snow. Is that supposed to be some kind of joke? Look, the guy is round and he’s trying to melt away some pounds, all right? Let’s give the guy a break. Not everyone is as skinny as YOU!
“Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas”? Not on your life, buddy. You’re asking me to make the Yule-tide gay and let my heart be light. What is that supposed to mean?
“Here Comes Santa Claus” would become “Here Comes the UPS Guy.”
You say you saw mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistletoe last night and then tickle him underneath his beard so snowy white? Get me a divorce lawyer!
What’s with that one-horse open sleigh you’re singing about in “Jingle Bells?” Are you too selfish to consider a hybrid vehicle? You don’t think horse emissions contribute to global warming? Get real.
Stop singing “Let It Snow.” That corn you brought for popping will have to be microwaved, which could give us all brain cancer if we don’t stand far enough away.
“Oh Christmas Tree,” I weep for thee because you were brutally murdered, tied up, kidnapped on top of a minivan, and hung in effigy in the living room. It’s simply barbaric.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer must be drunk. Nobody’s nose glows like that. Think of the children!
And how about that guy you said sees me when I’m sleeping and knows when I’m awake. I need a restraining order.
Better yet, how about we all relax and enjoy the season of sharing, caring and bearing gifts – regardless of our denominations or lack thereof.
In the words of Jose Feliciano (repeat 900 times for emphasis), I Want to Wish You a Merry Christmas (Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Holiday Season, or whatever else you want to call it) from the bottom of my heart.
Adam Breen teaches journalism and yearbook at San Benito High School. He is former editor of The Free Lance.
